11 Dating Disasters You Should Never Have To Experience

If men, as a group, were defined by their dating prowess, this would be their Spirit Animal:


Ah who am I kidding... It'd probably be more along the lines of:


Yep. He fits the bill. Pretty shitty. How do girls even agree to go on dates with us in the first place?!


So, lets get beyond the part where you agonise over whether the guy is a COMPLETE weirdo. You've agreed to go on a date with him. After much deliberation, your libido and fear of being lonely forever has overpowered your usually perceptive sense of disgust.

I give you 11 possible worst date scenarios.

1. He Brought His Mother.


This happened to a girl-friend of mine once. The guy arrived at the restaurant (mid-priced, nice location in town, shitty table) with his mother. He didn't even try to justify it. He introduced them to each other, they sat down, they ate bread that they dipped in olive oil. Very civil like. It was ridiculously weird. The fact that his mother was there was never even brought up. After, he kissed her on the cheek, and left. Again I must stress WITH HIS MOTHER. 

Was it circumstantial? Like, was it the case that he literally had to bring his mother? That there was no way around it? Who the fuck knows. Anyway, she never heard from him again. She obviously never wanted to. Weird fucker.



2. He Wasn't Wearing Any Pants.


I have no anecdotal reference of this ever happening. But imagine it did? That would be a WHOLE other level crazy. Fucking funny though. Maybe. I mean, if he actually played it well, he would SO deserve a second date, am I right girls?! Girls? Hello? Anyone?! Imagine at the end of the date he said something like "Oh crap! I forgot my wallet, can you pay?" And you'd be all: "Seriously dude, where the fuck are your pants?!"


4. He Doesn't Stop Talking About Himself.


Zzzzzz.......... oh  you're still going...cool .........zzzzzzzzzz...

....ZZZZ ...whats that? *yawns* Starter's arrived?




5. He Brought Me To McDonalds. We Ordered From The Euro Saver Menu.


If the guy appears to be steering you towards any place that has 'Extra Large' as an option on the menu: Turn around. Walk away. Hide behind a lamp-post. Spy on him. Wait until he disappears. Go into McDonalds on your own. Treat yourself to a lovely wrap with large fries. You deserve it. Ring friends. Cry into Sweet-Curry dip. Feel better. Move on.


6. He Started A Fight.



Inappropriate. Unless he looked really cool doing it (à la Chuck Norris OR Steven Seagal or whomever it is OK to like ironically these days). In that case it's totally fine. He can protect you now. And you have enemies. Oh yes. Many enemies. And Exes. Many, many Exes (that's not a reflection on you BTW) They are now fucccccccked.



7. He Started Crying Then Dancing When ABBA Came On The Restaurant's Playlist.



At the very least, he's on drugs. You can back away from the table at this point in the evening, and vacate the premises. ... Unless you're down to party... 'til next Tuesday. singing: "See that girl... Watch that scene... *does massive line of coke off of toilet cistern* Digging the Dancing Queen!


8. He's Already Talking About How Many Kids You'll Have.



Who are you kidding... You want that, don't you? You CRAVE that. I think that's my idea of disaster.


9. He's Written You A Poem Based On His Feelings About How Tonight Will Go.


And he's starting to perform it. As in, right now. In the queue for snacks in the cinema. He doesn't need the page, he's learned it by heart. You look at the page he's given you... Grammatically horrifying. Plus you just pray he doesn't reach for the low-hanging fruit when rhyming the word 'Popcorn.' (i.e.: Horn, Porn, Forlorn... basically three words that describe my teenage years perfectly.)



10. He's Still 'Finding Himself.'


Find yourself another mug, thank you very much. Plus you better pay your part of the bill. At least. Dayyyyyuumm.



11. He's Brought Up Bernie Sanders At Least Eleven Times Already.


You haven't even finished ordering, never mind food. You: "Sure, I'm interested in talking politics of the day... But not after I spent half a-fucking-hour on my hair, and I'm not really "Feeling The Bern" between us, if you know what I'm saying." Plus he's now talking about Larry David a lot. But that's OK, because Larry David is Larry David.



Video: People Share First Date Horror Stories

Credit: BuzzFeedYellow

Stephen Brennan
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