Just to clarify, being single has some definite perks. You never have to worry about sharing your bed, your food or the remote control, not to mention that in winter you can go three weeks without shaving your legs and no one notices or cares. More importantly you can do whatever the f**k you want, whenever you want and with whomever you want (wink wink). You always have time for brunch with friends, no one questions your spending habits and for now, you can sleep soundly every night knowing that no one is out there cheating on you.
As delightful as all that sounds, there are of course some negatives which come hand in hand with single life (and I’m not just talking about the fact that you don’t know where your next lay is coming from)…
1. The first question anyone asks you is always “so are you seeing anyone”
No Phil, it’s safe to assume if I was seeing someone I’d be at home with their face between my thighs and not having brunch with you.
2. Having to deal with people say things like “don’t worry it will happen when you least expect it”
Which is clearly nonsense because for the record you always “least expect it.” You’ve “least expected it” for two consecutive years now. In fact, not to be dramatic, but you’re pretty certain you’re going to die alone.
3. Having to deal with other couples
Being around other couples perpetually reminds you of just how single you are. Yet somehow, they’re everywhere. All the time.
4. Being bored as fuck on Sunday
Because everyone knows that Sundays were created to be spent in bed with your other half, eating noodles and having sex; not necessarily in that order.
5. Only ever attracting people you’re not interested in
You have a special talent for attracting people you have no interest in whatsoever. The more blunt you are to them, the more they try to win you over and the more you wish you could set your iPhone on fire so they have no way of contacting you.
6. Wondering if you’ve become too fussy
Did I say fussy? I meant highly selective.
7. Having to take your best friend as your “plus one” to weddings
You wonder who the fuck you will take to her wedding. Can she be your date and get married at the same time?
8. The phrase “third wheel” was invented for you
Come with us they said. It will be fine they said.
9. Having to explain to your grandparents why you’re not married with three kids
Apparently “times have changed” is not an expectable reason for not giving them great-grand-children yet.
10. Having to act like you’re not bitter on Valentine’s Day
The only thing worse than being single on Valentine’s Day, is people thinking you care about being single on Valentine’s Day. Not because you have a problem being the love of your own life, but because you can’t deal with one more person patronisingly saying things like: “Don’t give up, it’ll happen.”
11. Having nothing but the memory of your ex boyfriends to keep you warm at night
Lols jk!! Your life is actually awesome. Your heated blanket keeps you warm at night, alongside the thought that you’re not settling like everyone else.
In fact, life as a single person would be decidedly better, if everyone else just kept their sympathetic comments and glances to themselves and let the perpetually single do what they do best: enjoy sex without strings and sleep horizontally across a double bed.