16 Ways You're F*cking Up Foreplay

Foreplay is like the dark underbelly of having sex as a mature adult. There comes a time when it's somewhat expected of you. It can be scary but you forget you were born for this. All those teenage discos where you were caught dry humping in the corner. Foreplay is exactly the same except afterwards you don't have to go for some alone time, you actually get to have sex. So then why are some of us so shit at it?

16. Using Her Boobs as Stress Balls

There's caressing them and there's just going to town on them. This is not fun. They are not a hacky sack. Look at my face. Does it look like I'm enjoying it?

 15. Taking It Too Seriously

It's supposed to be fun, not a military drill.

14.Sneaking Through the Back Door

No. Just no. This is never a good idea.

13.Talking Too Much

Foreplay isn't just about being physical, you need to talk too, but for the love of god you need to know when to shut up. If you're able to talk in a sexy French accent and you know a few words then string them together. Just make sure she can't understand you.

12. The Art of Multi-Tasking

If you're new to the wonderful land of foreplay it can be really easy to just concentrate on one thing. Lads there's a whole person down there too but don't go in the opposite direction and try doing 50 things at once either. You'll get confused and she certainly will be too.

11. Racing Through It

Sometimes all you want is a quickie and that's fine. Foreplay doesn't have to take hours but at least do something before you dive right  into it.

10. Routine

If you've been together for a while it can be really easy to just do the same old thing every time. At this stage she can read you like a book and she's never really liked the ending as it is.

9. Don't Ask for a Toe Job

What the fuck is wrong with you?

8. Answering Phone Calls

Even if you're not knee deep yet, it is never appropriate to answer a phone call. Unless you're someone's 'call a friend', just don't do it. Ever.

7. One Eye on the TV

This is what live pause was invented for. Switch it off.

6. Getting too Wasted

Sometimes it helps if you're a little bit typsy to help ease your inhibitions but for the love of God don't get shitfaced. This is how babies happen, not erotic, meaningful sex.

5. Skipping It Completely

A quick shift and top  in the back of a taxi does not count as a warm up to the no pants dance.

4. Massaging

If you're going to massage her, commit to it. Awkwardly poking her back isn't really the key to getting her juices flowing.

3. Pissing her Off Beforehand.

'Do you know who I saw today? My Ex girlfriend Jenny, she's looking unreal. Anyway, Blowjob?' Seriously what is wrong with you?

2. Jumping the Gun

We know it can happen, just don't let it happen if at all possible.

1. Letting Him Do All The Work

Don't sit there and bitch and moan if you're not going to do your bit too.