When you think about it, it's really no surprise that so many of us have such a skewed perception of all things love related. You grow up on fairytales and glittering ball gowns and waiting for Prince Charming to come along and save your sorry little soul, but then adulthood sets in and you quickly realise that the modern, 21st century equivalent of being rescued in a pumpkin-come-horse drawn carriage is getting a 'hey you' text back four dates late.
Sure, there are always exceptions to the rules, the glimmering sapphires among the usual idiots and no-hopers, but these partners, in my sorry experience anyway, tend to be nothing more than a distant, mythological folk tale to us mere mortals. The rest of us? Well, we're stuck with the idiots who are incapable of cleaning an oven or acting like a fully formed adult around their monkey-like friends. Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, here are 14 surefire signs you should dump them immediately:
1) Their very presence irritates your skin.
You know what I mean, right? That feeling when someone gets so on your last nerve, so under your skin that you physically can't unclench your jaw because if you do? Well, you may just lose all real, hard logic. I mean, no biggie, this is just supposed to be the one person with whom you love spending time, but don't let that stop you from unleashing your wrath of fury...
2) Sorry but what even is a butterfly anyway?
Ahhhh, the butterflies. Remember those little bad boys? That feeling where your tummy does a little delicate, pancake-like flip every time you think of them, or someone mentions their name or you catch even a glimpse of their orthodontist perfected smile. Nawwww.
But anyway, back to the here and the now. Now? Now you see them and a different type of feeling takes place in your stomach, I think it's, what's that feeling.....dread or even mild nausea perhaps?
3) You detest people asking you how they are.
Sorry, but do I look like a conjoined twin, or even, for that matter, someone who actually gives a shit? Just because I haven't kissed anyone else in two years (sob) doesn't mean I want to spend a large portion of this catch-up talking about their shammy little lives. I'm a lot more interesting Sandra, I ASSURE you.
4) People making 'jokes' about you getting 'engaged' to this utter shambles of a human being makes your back sweat.
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you think it's 'funny' to joke about my entire future happiness, purely because I happen to have surpassed the age wherein it's apparently acceptable to carry naggins on my person more casually than I do Vaseline? If you even had any bloody clue as to the sheer pitches of my internal screams, you wouldn't joke about this. *Muffled roars*
5) You've found yourself asking a lot of questions about this mythical 'Tinder' as of late.
So what exactly is this 'let's get laid' app you all speak of? A magical, wonderful creation whereby it's possible to have on tap sex at the mere flick and passing judgement of people with a better bone structure than you? Hmmmmm, interesting, very very interesting indeed.....
6) And your eyes have been a-fluttering quite a bit...
...I mean, you're a young, warm-blooded and attractive (ish) person. You're not bound by contract or life or any of that shit, so it's only natural that your beady little eyes should dart around and take things in from time to time and by this, I mean anyone even remotely attractive within a seven-mile radius. To me, there's no greater sign of things going tits up than when you start visibly drooling over other people. Heh.
7) You ceased giving a shit about pleasing them waaaaaay back when.
Last October, to be precise. There was once a time where you'd shave your legs and pluck your monobrow and wash yourself thoroughly in advance of seeing them, but similar to the fad that was turquoise chalked hair dipping, this has long since passed. Fuck 'em (or not, probably not).
8) You've begun to fantasise other hotter (or notter) people during your bi-annual sex sessions.
Whilst their clumsy, clammy touch does little to fuel the fire in your belly (or wherever), sometimes all that'll do is a good, hands-on ride. Gurl, I ain't judging. But when you're lying there listening to what sounds like a drunk, panting piglet dying on top of you, it's OK to imagine that you're being worshipped by the hands of Zeus himself. There is no guilt in this. Ensure you turn the lights off for maximum effect though. *Swoon*
9) I'm sorry but could they BREATHE any louder?
Remember that episode of Friends where Rachel can't take the sound of Ross breathing? Yeah, it's a very real problem, I assure you. When you've fallen out of love or lust or just sheer respect for someone, then everything they do from the way they drink their milk (I mean, who even drinks MILK anyway?) to the way they sleep (move over before I smother you) can make a person crazy enough to commit some full, heinous crime.*
*Take a deep, dark breath. Remain cool, remain calm. Go outside. Have a scream. It's ok.
10) Their personal problems are so irrelevant to you by now that they're basically the third Destiny's Child member in life and in love.
I'm really so sorry that your cat has hepatitis and that your sister is lacking in Vitamin B12, but do I look like I give a teeny fuck? If so, then hold on a second, just let me adjust my contouring and therefore, my entire facial expression because whereas once, I actually cared about your minute life issues, nowadays, I'd prefer to advise my binman on his troubled marriage than to attempt to help you.
11) Your dates now feel similar in theme to a dentist's visit on a Monday in January.
Remember way back when and you'd plan a really cute date by the sea eating popsicles and talking about puppy glitter and other sappy nonsense? Well, I barely remember it to be honest, because now, my dates consist of eating through lengthy, overdrawn silences and being far more interested in the drinks deals than I am in whatever irrelevant points you have to add to my dramatic story. Are we there yet?
12) You've found yourself making the most elaborate excuses in a bid not to see them.
Sorry, but I have an assignment due in third year that I really need to get a headstart on. Sorry, but my plane broke down and I really just don't think I'll be able to make it tonight. Sorry, my work friend with whom I spend 52 hours a week is coming over and we have to discuss things we speak about every single day of the week. I'm sorry but I'd really rather not, kay thanks, bye now.
13) You spend all of your time together battling one another with words and wisdom.
Sure, a little healthy debate is good from time to time, what kind of freaks, after all, spend their whole time together being happy? *Scoffs* If, however, you're spending more than 20%, or, in your case 80% of this time fighting in a similar fashion to how the Kardashians fight over handbags and lip filler, then it may be time to cut this frayed line of 'romance' and move the fuck on, stat.
14) Oh and not forgetting that they make you feel like dog faeces.
Your luuuurve partner should make you feel happy, content and good about yourself, not shitty, sad and paranoid about your face. They should evoke the same feelings one experiences before tucking into your favourite meal on a Friday night, not the feelings you get after motorboating a McDonalds on day four of a drinking binge comedown. You already have your boss to make you feel shitty about said life choices, your other (lesser) half shouldn't do the same thing.
So to sum up, having been there, eaten the rotten apple and come away with a severe bout of food poisoning myself, I'd highly suggest either a) ghosting them, b) sleeping with their best friend as a tactile form of revenge or c) just growing a pair and breaking the fuck up with them now before things spiral drastically out of control and you lose all faith in this sorry game of so-called 'love'. Peace out.