20 Awesome Jokes From Great Comedians

Another week's about to start but instead of stressing, sit back, relax and enjoy a few awesome jokes.

1) “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” Mitch Hedberg

Oh Mitch, you burn-out genius.

2) “Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’” Michael McIntyre

3) "I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body." Louis CK


4) "A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." Joan Rivers

5) "A big girl came up to me after a show and said, 'I think you’re fattist.' I said, 'No, no. I think you’re fattest.'" Jimmy Carr

6) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

You've nailed us, Billy.

7) "My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!" Sarah Silverman


8) “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” Stewart Francis

9) "Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door." Bill Bailey

10) "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." Dave Barry

11) "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car." Bob Monkhouse

12) “I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.” Richard Pryor


13) "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin

14) "I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'" Bill Hicks

15) "Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV." Jerry Seinfeld

16) “Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.” Milton Jones


17) "You know, it's a sad day when your child looks up at you and asks: 'Daddy, is this organic?' Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!" Dylan Moran

18) “I’m sure wherever my father is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall

19) "Well MTV really isn't my cup of tea... Mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea." Aziz Ansari

20) "I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough shit on their plates." Eddie Murphy

Ahhh, I see what you did there.



Seán Kenehan
Article written by
Seán has been told by some that he resembles a young Hugh Laurie, but more people have tried to hire him as a Noddy impersonator. Something of a film fan, a pub quiz is one of the few situations in which he is even remotely useful. Seán enjoys the occasional beverage of the alcohol variety, Salt & Vinegar crisps, and referring to himself in the third person.
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