Another week's about to start but instead of stressing, sit back, relax and enjoy a few awesome jokes.
1) “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” – Mitch Hedberg
2) “Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’” – Michael McIntyre
3) "I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body." – Louis CK
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4) "A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." – Joan Rivers
5) "A big girl came up to me after a show and said, 'I think you’re fattist.' I said, 'No, no. I think you’re fattest.'" – Jimmy Carr
6) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." – Billy Crystal
7) "My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!" – Sarah Silverman
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8) “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
9) "Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door." – Bill Bailey
10) "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." – Dave Barry
11) "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car." – Bob Monkhouse
12) “I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.” – Richard Pryor
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13) "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." – Steve Martin
14) "I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'" – Bill Hicks
15) "Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV." – Jerry Seinfeld
16) “Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.” – Milton Jones
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17) "You know, it's a sad day when your child looks up at you and asks: 'Daddy, is this organic?' Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!" – Dylan Moran
18) “I’m sure wherever my father is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
19) "Well MTV really isn't my cup of tea... Mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea." – Aziz Ansari
20) "I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough shit on their plates." – Eddie Murphy
