5 Easy Things Everyone Does Completely Wrong

The human race has gotten into some bad habits in the past few centuries. You won't believe the things you've been getting hilariously wrong, including some things that a baby can literally do better than you. Don't believe me? Here are 5 easy things everyone does completely wrong:

5) Giving birth

I suspect plenty of ladies out there would want to give me an epic dick-punch for referring to childbirth as an easy thing but still, it remains on the list. We're all familiar with the standard modern method of giving birth, which involves laying on a bed and pushing. That's the right way, yeah? Nope. The laying down method leads to increased vaginal tearing and birth difficulties. The correct method, as demonstrated by freaking cavewomen, involving squatting. In this position dilation can increase by 10%, not to mention that the birth is aided by gravity.

4) Brushing teeth

"No way!" you say. Yes way. It would appear the tooth care industry have been tricking you to buy into unnecessary treatments to (gasp!) turn a greater profit! Who'da thunk it? Turns out, incessant scrubbing of your teeth on a twice daily basis can actually strip your teeth of their protective layers. Weirdly enough, what you should be doing is focus your brushing more so on your gums than your teeth. And flossing is actually better for removal of the bacteria that set up camp in your teeth.

3) Sitting


You wouldn't think we'd be able to screw up something so simple, would you? Well, somehow we did. Turns out our curvy spines aren't designed to fit into right-angle designed chairs and it puts an unnatural amount of pressure on our spinal disks. The best way to sit is actually in a reclining position. Let us start a campaign today to have barcaloungers desk chairs in every office and school around the country. It's a matter of human rights, people!

2) Shitting

Oh, you think you should be sitting on some kind of pot to do your business? That's adorable. Considering that a millennia of humans did it differently, maybe they had a better idea of how it was done. Much like the correct position to give childbirth in, the proper bowel voiding procedure involves squatting; again it's about dilation, the assistance of gravity, and doing it the way evolution has equipped us to do it. Squats: is there anything they can't do?

1) Breathing

That's right, you're so stupid you can't even breathe properly. What an idiot! Not that I'm saying you're unable to breathe, that would be ridiculous; I'm just saying you're shit at it. That's right, babies are better at it than you. Most people are chest breathers, a shallow form of respiration that relies on the person expanding their chest in order to draw breath. This common form of breathing can actually lead to a tonne of problems, like fatigue, headaches, and panic attacks. The correct way to do is called abdominal breathing, it's makes full use of the diaphragm and allows you to take deeper, more blood-oxygenating breaths. By training yourself, you can get back in your baby-habits of breathing correctly. Or else you could just keep breathing wrong like a jackass, whatever.

Joey Flanagan
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His friends call him Joe, you can call him Mr. Flanagan. A keen taxidermist and prolific writer of erotic Fair City fan-fiction, Joey's accomplishments include completing the Camino de Santiago, getting Ray D'Arcy's autograph over 200 times, and knocking a pig unconscious with one square punch to its jaw.
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