Okay, so you’ve started dating this girl and she's perfect. She’s beautiful, funny, sexy, there's nothing about her that makes you question your sexuality (except maybe her taste in weird retro movies and 1970’s music but everyone has flaws right?) But being a lesbian has its negatives too. Who makes the sandwiches? Who wins the arguments? Who pays for dinner on the first date? Well, you're in luck my lady loving friend because I’m a trained expert in all matters of being outrageously gay. Here are my top 7 tips for keeping your relationship on top. Or bottom. Whichever you prefer really....
1) Know Your Place
Establish dominance immediately. You do *not* make the sandwiches. In fact the *only* sandwich you make is one that, while entirely edible, is not to be found in any well respected and reviewed restaurant. (Sadly)
2) Sharing Is Not Caring
Hide ALL of your expensive beauty products. Yes, even your tampons. Staying over quickly turns from 'Can I borrow some deodorant?' to 'We’re out of YSL MajeurM Crème.' (That’s 200 euro worth of facial moisturiser, you novice.) Trust me, allowing this kind of behaviour only leads to trouble. Lock up and learn.
3) Play Dirty
In fact, sneakily find out what she’s allergic to, and ONLY buy beauty products with that ingredient in them, because they’re umm cheaper and errr... you like how they smell.. *Coughs nervously* Stingy, me? Never.
4) Know That Sex Fixes Everything
One word my friend- striptease. Put aside all that anger and frustration …no, actually, take it out on her. Who cares if she hates your mother or she never takes her hair out of the drain? There’s no argument that sex can’t win for you. So who wins the argument in a lesbian relationship? The one that who initiates sex last, that's who.
5) Oh And Once Again, Don't Get Into The Habit Of Giving Her Your Stuff
Immediately give up on the dream of getting back that shirt you let her borrow yesterday. And that pair of Cons. And those PJ’s. And that other shirt you also lent her. In fact, give up on ever expecting to get your clothes back if you both wear the same size, because what’s yours is hers now. Just remember, give it a few weeks and you won’t even remember who owns what bra. What matters most is that you shouldn't be wearing one around one another anyway....
6) Hide Your Chocolate
When it comes down to it, girls love chocolate and when a girl loves another girl, a battle of chocolate consumption begins to unfold. Hide your beauty products. Hide your clothes. Hide your chocolate. I really don’t think this needs explaining. Keep that Dairy Milk under lock and key if you know what's good for you. This whole article makes me sound really, really scabby I feel....
7) Lastly, DO Expect Grossness
Just because we're not guys doesn’t mean we're not gross. After a certain amount of time, there’s nothing we won't be uncomfortable doing in front of you. We’re going to pee in the shower, we'll tell you every painful horrible detail of our periods (and expect empathy), and as long as there are no stains on it, who knows how long we’ve been wearing that shirt. Or bra. Or pair of jeans. Seriously who does laundry anyway? Girl power for life!