Guys are great. They can be smart, funny, and thoughtful and have ridiculously well maintained facial hair. However every now and again a boy will do something that just makes your stomach drop and makes you realise that despite what you had thought previously; yes, he is in fact like all the other boys. They can just be plain weird, and sometimes you have to wonder if they even realise they’re doing it, because surely if they did they’d stop? Errr, wouldn’t they?
It’s the first date. You’re walking down the street, holding hands, music is playing in the distance, you’re wondering how this guy could be so wonderful, and whether or not he’ll agree to a location wedding or will he opt for the local church. Suddenly, a familiar sound will rise from his throat and you think no surely not, not him, not beautiful him. But alas, he turns his head, and does the unthinkable; he spits. It is one of the vilest things guys do, and they do it right there in public. I mean, is the build-up of saliva and phlegm (ew) so bad that you actually feel the need to spit it out right there on the footpath in full view of everyone? Because I can tell you now that not one person in the history of life has ever seen a guy spit in public and thought “mmm he just spat inches from my feet and someone will accidentally step on that soon, what a sex bomb”. It’s just gross.
2. Developing An Allergy To Belts.
We get it, pants are uncomfortable. They’re tight and not that stretchy and when you overdo lunch they leave red marks on your stomach so most of the time you dream of taking them off. So we get that you don’t want to wear them, but if you do decide to don the denim for the love of God buy them in your size, or just buy a belt. It is 2016, there is no need for anyone to have to see a large portion of your underwear when the situation is completely avoidable, and by that I mean belts cost less than your morning coffee so you have no excuse.
Why?? Why do men think it’s a good idea to start a conversation, only to drift off into the abyss when you reply? Our lives would have been perfectly fine if you had never sent us a message, but you did, and we replied, you disappeared, and now we're pissed. It’s not as if we sit around hoping that perhaps tonight will be the night that a certain guy will finally grace us with his blessed presence, because honestly most of the time we’re concentrating more on what our next feed will be. But should a guy decide to talk to us, then obviously we will reply, expecting him to reply to our reply, and then for us to reply to his reply to our reply… and so on. This is how a conversation works. It does not work when a guy disappears two messages in. What was the point? If you aren’t going to keep the conversation going for even a little while, then don’t bother starting it at all.
4. Not Realising Your Hand Doesn’t Go In Your Pants.
There is nothing more off-putting when you are sitting with a guy have a great time and laughing away, when he decides the best place for his hands are now his pants. I have heard every excuse in the book at this stage “my hands are cold”, “I need to rearrange” and even “I think I left a fiver in here”, none of them take away from the fact that your hand is currently down your pants and thus killing any sort of vibe we had going and effectively making this whole situation really uncomfortable. I don’t know what is actually going on in there, nor do I want to know, but make it stop.
5. Sandwich Jokes. Hilarious.
Sorry pal, it isn’t my fault that your masculinity is so fragile that the only insult you can think of is one that is a gender stereotype and ultimately degrading towards women. In fact, why don’t you go make me a sandwich while I do all the things I’ve been doing for years without ever needing a guys justification like changing my own lightbulbs, figuring out if the fuse has blown, or hanging up a frame. Another thing in this category includes telling women to smile more. Listen here dude, I will smile when I want to smile and I won't apologise that my face constantly looks like the wrath of hell has just been unleashed upon me because that is just how I look all the time and you best believe you telling me that “I look prettier when I smile” isn’t going to change that. Got it?
6. When They Smell Like A Teenage Disco
What is it about guy’s aftershave that makes it potent and long lasting? Women douse themselves in perfume and after about a half hour the smell vanishes. Guys’ will last and last and this can be a good thing, the right aftershave can be a game changer turning a guy from a 4 to a 6 (possibly 7 if it’s that good). But when it’s bad, it is bad. After a certain age I feel it is time to put the old favourites far away, only to be taken out again once in a blue moon or whenever you want to relive your youth. Most of them smell nauseating and they take me right back to the foam discos where every boy and his cousin would be wearing a disgusting amount of Lynx Africa and a polo shirt. We’d all rather keep those days firmly in the past.
7. When He Doesn’t Get Beyoncé.
What is there to get? She is the queen and we are unworthy of her greatness. The End.
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