The world of online dating is a murky one. I've kindly put together a list of some do's and don'ts for first dates so you can all learn from my vast experience in the area.
1.Do: Get picked up and taken out to dinner.
Don't: Get picked up and taken to someone's house for dinner. Particularly when that person lives in the wilderness and, as he is wielding a chopping knife, says "Y'know, there's nobody around for miles," and "I've fantasised about having sex with you."
2. Do: Try something different like a Zombie Walk
Don't: Let your date drive you to the Zombie Walk rendering you incapable of leaving when he starts to flirt shamelessly with another girl. He tells you that this is because you refused to sleep with him on a first date and that is "really fucking boring" because "we're both grown-ups" and he's "not going to rape you". Yeah, cheers for that, bud. That's good of you.
3. Do: Learn from your previous mistakes and opt to meet someone at the restaurant rather than getting picked up.
Don't: Wait for 20 minutes in a restaurant for your date to arrive, citing "traffic" as the cause for his delay. At 9pm. On a Wednesday night. Especially if the restaurant doesn't have a liquor license. It is always a bad idea to agree to a date in a restaurant that doesn't supply alcohol.
4. Do: Go for a sunset walk in the park
Don't: Go for a sunset walk in a park which is overrun by swarms of beetles so that conversation is rendered impossible by having to swat yourself madly in the face like a loon.
5. Do: Go for a hot chocolate and sit on the headland watching the waves crash and having the chats
Don't: Laugh out loud when your 30 year old date tells you he has got a 13 year old daughter because you assume he is joking. Apparently this is true, not funny and a touchy subject.
6. Do: Go to a wildlife park
Don't: Go to a wildlife park and have your date insist you stay and watch the bird show if you are afraid of birds. Particularly flocks of birds flying at your face. Minus craic.
7. Do: Take a trip to a national park to watch the sun come up over a renowned local look-out
Don't: Take a trip to a national park to watch the sun come up over a renowned local look-out on a cloudy day, you fucking idiot.
8. Do: Be adventurous and get hot and heavy in an old, abandoned building
Don't: Get hot and heavy in a building that you assume is abandoned and is, in fact, very much still in use and has quite a bit more foot traffic than you would have assumed...
