Fact: A man who can grow a beard is fucking hot. I didn’t make that up. It’s a fact of nature. Everyone knows this. I’m talking about real manly, hardcore beard, by the way. Not some pubey, bullshit beard. If your beard is patchy, this is not for you. I’m sorry, but no one is fooled. I feel like so many men grow “beards” because they think women want them to grow beards. Wellll, they'd be right- we do want you to grow a beard. But only if you CAN grow a beard. Anyway, men with beards are hotter than everyone else (sorry, guys).
1. Anything Short Of Beard Rash Feels Like A Waste Of Time.
When you make out with a man with a beard, you will sometimes get a beard rash. What the fuck else did you think was going to happen when your soft, dainty girl skin touches his rough, bristly facial hair? It’s annoying at first because your skin gets irritated and no one wants that, but as any girl with a lusty affection for bearded men will tell you, it starts to become a non-negotiable necessity. Kissing someone without a beard feels gross. It’s like kissing a baby. Sick.
2.He Looks Good In Literally Everything
.A beard is seriously the ultimate accessory. He looks hot AF in jeans and a T-shirt (bonus points if he has buuuuuuug bulky arms too. I’m literally getting wet picturing this), and he looks DELICIOUS in a suit. Bearded guys. They are some GEMS. A guy with a smooth face needs to dress UP to look sexy. A man with a beard can walk around in tracksuit bottoms all day every day and still be totally fuckable. UGH. I die.
3. The Jealous Looks You Get From Other Women Are Empowering.
If you have a hot piece of bearded man candy on your arm, you can bet yo' bottom dolla other girls are going to be jealous. And the jealous looks won’t be awkward at all. They will be empowering. Because the sexiest piece of meat (who is also a lovely person and all that shit) is with YOU. There is something super intriguing about a gal strolling around a guy with a beard. She is no girl. She is ALL woman. She is no-nonsense and has no time for fuckboy tomfoolery. NO THANK YOU, SIR.
4. He Definitely Has A Big Dick.
If he can grow a full beard, he has a big dick. This might be a generalization, but I would be SHOCKED if you hooked up with a bearded Adonis, only to find he wasn’t well-endowed. It has *never, ever happened in my experience. To grow a beard like that, he has to be pumping mad testosterone. Plus, a beard just isn’t something men use to compensate for a small dick like one might use a Rolex or a sports car. If he’s packing on his face, he’s packing down below. (*Actually, one time I was but it was a BIG, bad shock and I am SURE- a very rare occurance)
5. Your Mum Does Not Like His Beard.
So what? Go on mum- make me like him MORE now why don't you?! It’s like the ultimate jab at parental control, you know? He’s a beautiful man inside and out, but I still get to have that “my parents don’t approve” vibe that made the bad boys in school so attractive. I know it’s sick, but sure fuck it.
6. He’s The Best Alarm Clock.
Look, don’t even knock it until you try it. Forget needing an alarm clock when you have a tasty man with a beard to wake you up with scratchy tenderness in the morning. Being gently needled from your slumber by a beard between your shoulder blades is a game changer. HE’S SO FUCKING CUTE AND SEXY. You’re just not going to be down for anything else once you get that shit in your life. Woah, the memories- literally the best thing ever. And check out David below- be still my beating heart, MULTIPLE love heart eyes emoji's, KILLING ME HERE DAVID!
7. If He Can Grow A Strong Beard, He Probably Has Strong Sperm.
If he has a beard, he is going to produce strong offspring. We females want to get all up on that shit because of biology. We are genetically inclined to pursue a mate who we think will be a good father for our sweet little hairy babies. If a guy has got a beard, your ovaries are already gearing up to pounce.
8. Other Guys Do Not Mess With Him.
Nobody messes with a beared man, and beared dudes will generally always want to look after and protect you. Something about the ability to grow a beard both intimidates other men and causes them to look up to another man. It’s pretty dope. That man is recognized as an alpha among other guys. He garners respect. No hairless guy is ever going to invite that kind of response from the other fuckboys around town.
9. He’s Just SO F*CKING MANLY.
I know this one is a given, but it needs to be said. He looks like he can chop down half a forest with a thundering axe and then build you a house with his bear hands…only to passionately ravage your body on a bear skin rug (a bear he probably also killed with his bear hands). OK, maybe this is just a wild fantasy a la your Auntie Gigi (and housewives everywhere), but tell me it didn’t get your juices flowing. Put your man in a flannel shirt and I guarantee any beardless, boy wonder is not going to measure up. YUM. Once you’ve gone beard, every other dude seems shrimpy in comparison.
Video: Why Every Man Needs A Beard
Via: Elite Daily