Where to begin? Tinder is a wondrous haven full of oddballs and (perhaps) the man of your dreams. Technology, eh? What a strange way to find a suitable mate, scrolling through hundreds of faces every day. Surely there's a better way of finding out who you're compatible with these days? There isn't? Oh ok, scrolling through faces it is then... Hellooo Tinder. Here's the awkward college girl's guide to Tinder.
1. Choose photos that look nothing like you and make you look cool.
Look, chances are you're never going actually meet anybody that you scroll past on Tinder. (Awkward people don't interact with other humans.) But you'll probably match with a load of people that you've met at some point in your life before. So you want to look good. You want them to think you've actually gotten better-looking and that you live a happy, full life. (If there's no way you can fake this using your own photos, using photos of another person is allowed.) You do not want them to find out that you do nothing all day except eat and watch 30 Rock. If you actually do end up meeting up with someone you met on Tinder, they may be like "what the f*ck, who are you? I thought you were blonde, and good-looking." AHA I got you, I'm brunette and people describe my look as 'OK,' now are you paying for my dinner or what?
2. Respond with witty messages.
If you're reading this, you're probably really witty, sarcastic and hilarious. Don't keep that magic all to yourself! Let the boys that are pursuing you know that you really are better than Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone all rolled into one. Some good responses to the classic 'what's up?' include: 'the sky haha,' 'I'll knife you,' 'nm, just waiting for you to marry me and have babies with me.' (You want them to know you're available and both willing and able to bear children.) An appropriate response to any horrible chat up line such as 'If you were an American president, your name would be babe-rahem Lincoln,' is 'Get out of my life, and never return. Unless you bring me cheese, then you may return.'
3. Don't be afraid to initiate the conversation.
For some reason, in our society it's considered 'weak' to be the one to start off a conversation. People get a buzz from having loads of messages and not replying to them - I say f*ck that. If you see someone sexy and you want to let them know you think they're sexy - do it. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up to a message like 'Hey all I know about you is that you've got a nice, symmetrical face that I like to look at. But do you wanna chat to see if I think you're funny and we get on?' See, it's easy. I'm pretty sure that a lad will like the fact that you're just being honest and not spending your time thinking of an awkward greeting like 'hello nice face, wanna go on a date? ;)' (That's actually pretty good. Feel free to use that one. You're welcome.)
4. Test him to check if he's a crazy person.
If you're considering leaving your bed to go and meet up with a guy, he must be pretty special. But, before you meet up with anyone, always do a couple of tests to see if he shows signs of being a crazy person. An example of this is referencing quotes from iconic movies and seeing if he gets it. If he doesn't, then you probably shouldn't risk meeting him. If he responds to 'You go glenn coco,' with 'haha what? who's glenn coco?' then you should probably run away, and call the police because this man is weird and he's probably a psycho killer. Another test is to ask him to meet you in a strange place, and if he agrees then you know he's crazy. 'hey can we meet in a park with fresh air?' 'yeah sure' 'leave me alone and never write to me again, crazy person.' Who meets in places with fresh air anymore?
5. Share some fun anecdotes about your life.
TMI? Never heard of it. Boys love to hear all about the inner workings of your weird little life. Did you have an eventful weekend that consisted of you falling down a flight of stairs in Coppers and chipping a tooth? Tell them! Boys love to hear about your ailments because it makes them feel superior and like maybe they could be your knight in shining armour. Don't hide your embarrassing ways, embrace them! This is a great time to be an awkward girl in the world, for some reason people find it endearing. Wahey. This is a good thing for those of us who flirt like 'Hey I like your face, so do you like my face or...?' and 'Me? Well, yeah I'm just a real coool, chill kinda gal...*trips, falls and breaks nose*'
6. Meet in a place where you feel comfortable.
If you take the plunge, and pluck up the courage to meet up with a stranger from the Internet world, make sure to meet them in a place you could nearly call home. (Do not meet them in your real home, obvs.) Anywhere with lots of fried food on the menu would work for me but I'm just one woman. The cinema is a good place to go because there's not much talking and you won't feel obliged to fill every gap in conversation whilst watching a film. (An excuse to shut up, for once.) Another great thing about the cinema is if it's going badly you can say you're going to get another large popcorn and just run away. Going for drinks is good as well because you can say you're going to get the next round and just run away. Going for a burger is good too because you can say you're going to the bathroom and just run away. (Having an escape route is key, because you're too awkward to just tell the guy you don't like him.)
Follow these 6 simple steps and you're sure to win the Tinder game and find yourself a man that will make you pizza and mind you when you're too drunk. Huzzah!