We've all been there at one stage or another. We know deep down that it's not the best decision in the world, but sometimes there's no other option, or sometimes, lust takes over and we just need some goddam sex and that's that.
Sleeping with an ex is about the same as drinking our livers to pieces in terms of things that are bad for us. We know it's not a good idea and that we'll probably end up suffering in the long run, but it feels right at the time. Depending on how the relationship ended, it might take a little while to figure out how the actual sex happens. If it was a mature decision on both parts, then you can probably expect to be indulging in ex-sex again in a matter of weeks. However, if it was an explosive tear fuelled breakup then it may be better to wait a few months before making contact again. Here are some thoughts we have when we have sex with the ex:
1) The Initial Contact.
You get a text, they add you again on social media or maybe you make the initial contact. If you're not that fussed with having shitty sex with your shitty ex, then this contact may just be of annoyance. However, if you do wanna bump uglies again, then this back and forth flirting is the best bit. You might also want to change their name in your phone from 'Cock Juggling Thunder Prick' just in case people see this and ask who you're texting....
2) 21 Questions.
You begin to wonder exactly why said Cock Juggler is getting back in touch. Does he miss you? Does he want sex? Has he now begun to realise that he's lost a good thing? You also consider if this is even a good idea. Should you give it a go? Will you be hurt in the end? Would it be leading them on if it's just plain sex? Will they expect more? Was the sex even that good to consider reconciling? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
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3) In Search Of Advice.
Your caring friends, aka the ones who have comforted you through this breakup, may now decide to dish out advice on how you should handle this situation. At first they'll be all 'no don't sleep with them, remember how they hurt you yada yada yada.' They'll try to remind you of all of the reasons why you shouldn't bang your ex again, but no matter how hard you try to take their advice on board, you know deep down that you and the ex have some bonin' to do and nothing's going to stop you.
4) Reminiscing About The Good Times.
You start to think of all of the good reasons why you should sleep with them. You may even still have feelings for them, or you might just want to have a 'sticky quicky.' No judgement here.... You remember all of the amazing sex you once had, the times that you actually high-fived after an amazingly successful romp. *Sigh* This acts as a further justification as to why you should just say 'Fuck it' and fuck them.
5) So, It's Time To Meet Up.
You've tried to convince yourself otherwise, but you just know that it's going to happen and that's just it. You'll be hammered one night, stumbling out of the local nightclub when you decide you don't want to spend the night alone. The 3am 'where are you?' text gets sent, and now your drunken ass must wait for a reply to see if you're getting any nookie...Organising the meet up may also be a totally sober occurrence, you may be lonely and horny and decide to send the text saying 'DVD and chill?' knowing full well that DVD stands for deep vaginal drilling. (Sorry)
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6) Your Nerves Are Building.
Your text has worked. They're on the way over, you know you're going to bang. You're excited and nervous but all you can think about is P in the V immediately. THE DRY SPELL HAS FINALLY BEEN LIFTED! You preen yourself, make sure there's nothing in your teeth, put on your best underwear; you're going to show them what they've been missing if it's the last thing you ever do.
7) Awkward Encounters...
Both of you are undressed in under 30 seconds flat, and the nookie begins. Oh yeah, there's that fucking grunting noise he used to make during foreplay, must have blocked that out. You begin to think this is a mistake. Then he does that thing you like, nahhhh this isn't a mistake this is the best decision I've probably ever made, no exaggeration.
8) Sex. Hot Sex.
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You look up and remember what his face looks like from that angle, and you also remember how sweaty he used to get during sex. Fuck it, he's good at it, knows exactly what gets you going and you're actually having a lot of fun. Why did we ever break up?
9) The Awkward Aftermath.
You're both lying there in the afterglow, sweaty and breathless. You can't help but think that this probably wasn't a great idea. If it was good, then you don't have it anymore, but if it was bad, then you've just had shitty sex with your shitty ex...
10) Sayonara Sucker.
The deed has been done, goodbye, good luck, get out of my apartment. This probably seems harsh, but one of the things to remember about sex with an ex is to not let them stay over for cuddles, unless, of course, you plan on continuing this rendezvous on a regular basis or you both want to reconcile the relationship. Otherwise get them out of your place, or leave their bed immediately unless you want to suffer the emotional consequences of this catastrophic fuck up for months to come.
11) Been There, Don't Do That Again...
The days following the 'sex' can be filled with a sense of accomplishment, or, on the flip side, deep regret. Either way the deed has been done and there's no point in dwelling on it or giving yourself a hard time over it. Unless your ex is still a giant arsehole and you realised this, but still decided to sleep with him. Shame on you. All that's left to do at this stage is to brush that dirt off of your shoulders, pretend it never happened and get on with your life. Sext ya later bitches.
