Most of us have been there. You have a friend who you really like, but only as a friend. Trouble is, they want more. Much more. They want the whole fucking package deal with the wedding and kids and all that.
Christmas time is a difficult position to be in for a person in this position. Picking a present can be a nightmare. They'll probably push the boat out and get something ridiculously heartfelt and personal. Fuck.
But what do you get them? You don't want to give them the wrong idea but at the same time you don't want to get them something totally shitty because you actually like them as a friend. Well, here are a few safe things you can get that say, "Hey, I do like you a lot, but only as a friend!"
*Disclaimer: Somebody who is mad for you, is open to interpret any gift you get them as a sign of your love. You have been warned.
I'll start with a tip: Don't Make It! Making their gift will definitely give them the wrong idea. They'll think you care enough to put in the hours to actually craft something from nothing. It's far more personal and says, "I really, really like you". Just stick with the generic gifts on this one. It's a minefield out there, play it safe.
Gift Voucher For Their Favorite Shop
Getting them a gift voucher is telling them that you couldn't be fucked putting any real time or effort into picking a good present for them. Getting a gift voucher for their favorite shop says all of those things but adds a little note at the end saying "But I do like you a bit and/or as a friend". Sorted.
An Empty Picture Frame
Empty, just like your love for them. Cold but true. You aren't ever going to want to be with them so don't put anything of the two of you in it. Maybe a picture of a nice horse or an elderly gentleman standing by some shrubs. Your call.
This is a really simple yet purpose built gift for the message you're trying to convey. They have broken shit? Get them new shit which isn't broken and can therefore replace said broken shit. Look through their lives for any tatty or wrecked items. If they always complain about the state of their bag then get them a new one relatively close to the old style. Don't pick something that is too close or personal to them though. If they're a writer and you get them a new journal because they're old one is almost full you might be playing it too well. Writers love journals for fuck sake, what were you thinking?
Personally, I love stationary. If a person I liked bought me stationary as a Christmas gift I'd man-swoon, but generally speaking, this isn't a universal sentiment. Stationary is quite sterile in most cases so that's good. Again, don't personalize or get something that's too lovely. You could get a cool little stationary set like the one below, but if they like to sketch or anything like that then maybe steer clear. You'll know yourself.
You know? For their head like. Make it woolly and it's a perfect Christmas gift for a pal. I've included a picture of a rather awkward looking young man in a hat.
A Gift That Says "I Don't Know You"
They have a mortal fear of snakes? Get 'em a fuckin' snake and say you thought they said they loved snakes. "Oh, I guess I don't know you very well!" Advances successfully deflected (for the near future at least).
Quirky & Funny, But Essentially Thoughtless
I'm talking about a hip flask with Jesus' face on it or a book of drinking games. Quite cool gifts to get, but as the title reads, essentially thoughtless. Something that subtly suggests "I have no idea what the fuck you like."
A Friendship Bracelet
This one is a fucking burn. If you don't really care about their feelings too much then get them a friendship bracelet and consign them to the friend-zone forever more. What a harsh Christmas gift!
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