The Definitive Guide To Having A One Night Stand While Living With Your Parents

Honestly, it's already embarrassing enough to be in college and still live at home, but trying to bring someone home? Near impossible, unless you're in a committed relationship with them. There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of action now and then, but bringing them back to your place can sometimes mean an entire day's worth of planning things out. Luckily, we (sadly) understand and have a few tips and pointers for you on how to successfully pull off a one night stand when you still live at home.

1. First thing's first: you're not a virgin, and your parents need to know that.


Not only would it be bad if your parents walk in on you having sex with some stranger, it would be absolutely humiliating if they still think that you're the pure, virgin child that you aren't. I'm not talking give all the dirty details, but at least have some kind of communication with your parents about the fact that, yes, you've actually had sex.

2. Make sure they aren't psycho.


Obviously this is more than likely a stranger, but you can still tell a lot about a person after spending an hour or two with them. Feel it out, and if they're too weird, don't bring them back to your house. After all, it's not just any place, it's where your entire family lives. You don't need some crazy stalker coming back for you.


3. Also make sure they aren't too sleazy.


Honestly, we all get that weird attraction to the sleazy guy every once and a while, no big deal. But if you get caught by your parents, would you rather they catch you with an average guy, or with this sleazy, hasn't-washed-his-hair-that's-longer-than-yours-in-four-days guy? Just try not to go for that far of an 'out there' guy.

4. Don't let them leave anything behind.



It's normal for your clothes to be strewn all over your bedroom floor or even the house. Some randomers clothes? Not so much. Although there's always the stigma that they'll end up leaving something behind, don't let them. You'll be a bit mortified when your mam asks you why there's a pair of men's boxers in the wash and you've only got sisters.

5. Do not leave a condom out.


Honestly, I shouldn't have to say it, but people actually do it so here it is again: don't leave any evidence behind, especially for someone else to find. It's really great you used a condom (yay no STIs!), but get rid of it. The last thing you need is your mam going to clean your room and finding that. Sorry, mam.

6. Be quiet.



Yeah, you're probably a bit drunk and yeah, it's difficult to be quiet when you're drunk. But this is the least convenient time to get caught coming into the house. Your parents know you drink, but they probably didn't know you were bringing someone back. Just be as quiet as you possibly can to avoid humiliation.

7. They need to leave as early as possible.


Unless you planned on sitting down with them and your parents in the morning for some toast and awkward silences, they need to leave ASAP. The sooner the better. Actually, if they could just leave right after sex that'd be grand, because if they fall asleep, you're screwed. They're not moving for a solid 4 to 5 hours.

8. If you're going to sneak them in, know your strategy ahead of time.



Don't plan to bring them in the front door when you know it squeaks really loudly; don't sneak them in the back if you know the dog will start barking. Plan this out, you knew this was a possibility.

9. Take care of anything remotely resembling your childhood in your room.


Nothing is a bigger turn off than getting into someone's room and discovering they've still got all 300 antique dolls their gran gave them as a kid staring at you from shelves. You're an adult now, make sure your room reflects it.




10. On the same note, make sure your bedding is up to par.


The Care Bear bedding you had as a kid is not exactly what you want to have sex on, right? Talk about scarring memories. Make sure your bedding fits in with the fact that you're about to have sex in it.


11. Don't get rid of any evidence in the kitchen bin.


When your dad takes the bin bag to the curb next week, the last thing he's going to want to see is a used condom shoved down the side of it. Wrap that shit up and get rid of it discreetly.

12. Don't throw your sheets in the family washing.


First off, don't be a lazy bastard, you should be washing them yourself. Second, especially after you've just had a one night stand, do you really want your mam cleaning your sheets? Do them the morning after to avoid any mishaps.



The Red Flags Of A One-Night Stand (Video)

Credit: EliteDaily.

Ally Kutz
Article written by
American student interning in Ireland for the semester. Lover of dogs and bad puns.
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