Girls, by nature, are pretty damn sneaky, if I do say so myself. You probably think you've got us all sussed out. Well, you haven't. Speaking on behalf of sneaky women everywhere, I assure you that there are many, many thing you don't know about us. Spend enough time in our company and you'll probably think you have us all figured out. Not to worry, as soon as that door closes, we'll be back to doing what we do best. Here's what girls really do behind your back...
1) Filling In Our Eyebrows While Pretending To Be 'Au Naturel'
Ever since the end of the over-plucking noughties, Cara D has convinced us that big, bold eyebrows are the way to go. It's only when we remove all our face-disguising trickery every evening that we realise just how sparse our manicured facial hair really is. Which is why filling in our eyebrows is a necessary evil. It's for your own good.
2) Creeping On Everyone That Pops Into Our Heads
Our exes, your exes, your brother, our ex's cousin, Johnny from down the road, that lad we used to jump on at the back of the teen disco... nobody is safe. Poke poke.
3) Watching The Shittest TV Known To Man
Around others, we like to keep up the facade of being intelligent people. Then everyone else disappears and 'Bridal Housewives of the Kardashians Atlanta' comes out to play. We would apologise, but we aren't in the least bit sorry.
4) Hair Removal (So Much Hair)
Despite every human being on this earth being aware of the fact that women are NOT naturally hairless, we still spend a vast amount of time and money on hair removal treatments. Oh, and it hurts. Yes, we are looking for sympathy.
5) Ordering Sophisticated Drinks To Impress You (When Really, We Just Want A Pint)
I regularly thank God that I was born in the 20th century. If this was 1950 and I had to act like a lady, drink pink wine and cover my ankles, I'm sure I'd have been a very unhappy camper. The only time most of us display any form of ladylike behaviour is when ordering a 'posh' drink in front of a new guy. God, I'd love a pint...
6) We Flirt (Sorry)
We don't do it for any reason other than to make ourselves feel better. We're aware it's not very nice and all, but on those days when we feel fat and ugly, there's nothing better than being hit on by someone who has a touch of babe-ness about them.
7) Worrying That We Might Be Pregnant (Although It's Physically Impossible)
We haven't had sex since June, but we're now three days late... the only possible explanation is that we're knocked up and ready to pop. Makes sense.
8) Watching The Soppiest Rom-Coms And Crying
We are strong, cultured, educated women who care about much more than romance and finding the one and true, everlasting love (*vom*). That is why, once you leave, the independent films get lost and the soppy pink ones come out of the woodwork. Let the sobbing commence.
9) Eating Everything We Can Lay Our Hands On
As women, we have little to no control over our food cravings. Films would have you believe that most women are stick thin, lettuce-loving, life-hating bitches. The reality of the situation is that most of us are actually chocolate-obsessed, broke, always-up-for-a-drink-and-a-pizza babes. Loving life.
10) Letting It All Hang Out
There are three levels to a woman's physical appearance. The 'going out' level, the 'chilling with a guy' level (tight yoga pants and hair tied up in a sexy bun) and the 'on our own' level. This usually involves onesies, fat-pants, no showers, slipper socks, glasses and spot cream. We are beautiful, no matter what they say.
11) Looking Through Old Photos And Feeling Better About Our Current Faces
What the fuck were we thinking? This pretty much sums up the past 23 years of my life. I'm 24, by the way. I don't know what I was thinking, but clearly it wasn't logical, or indeed fashionable. Thank God we have it together now. Until we look back next month and hate ourselves all over again.
12) Comparing Our Boobs With And Without A Maximiser (Always A Let Down)
Maximisers, we love you. You push us up, you enhance what God didn't give us, you get us laid. Then we take you off and similar to a magicians hat, you fuck off and abandon us. COME BACK.
13) Crying/ Getting Angry/ Craving Chocolate For No Reason Until We Realise It's PMS Related
Thank you world, for not blessing me with the miraculously awful gift of life. I don't need that right now. What I need is chocolate and tears. PMS is an excuse for both... in abundance.
14) Using Our Period As An Excuse For Everything
We can't have sex with you/ leave the house/ be nice/ go out tonight/ wear that white dress/ diet/ swim/ be pleasant. Menstruating, soz (not soz).
15) Watching How You Act Around Hot Girls, Yes, We Know
Do you think that girl is hot? Do you fancy Sarah? My hot friend Sarah? We're going out with Sarah tonight so I'm going to sit back and watch you try to act normal around someone as hot as Sarah in a tight dress. Good luck with that.
16) Adding Photos Of Your Friends Looking Rank In Order To Make Yourself Look Hotter
We've all done this or worse again, had this done to us. It doesn't make anyone feel good, apart from the clearly Photoshopped hottie in the front, who will no doubt make this her profiler within the hour. Thanks for that.