What I Find Unattractive: The average girl with standards.

Like most girls, I have the odd self esteem issue (My nose is too big, boobs too small etc). However if I could find a guy who can overlook all of these and make me laugh, I’d live happily ever after. Nonetheless, I do have standards, superficial as I may be, a man must reach every requirement regardless of his opinion on my iddy-biddy tities.


You are not attractive if you:

Talk about/to your car as if it is a living entity.

 Your car is not alive and if it is that much of an extension of self you may leave my general vicinity. Boy racers are unwelcome as are other car obsessed males. It is merely a means of transport, how would you like it if  I were to become that passionate about my weekly train?


Don’t laugh at my Kebab smile after a night out.


We've just spent the night in the pub, I've smoked and entire box of my good friend Johnny Blue and desperately need a kebab! Once I am in possession of this kebab I dive straight in, I re-emerge with mayonnaise stretching from ear to ear and lettuce dangling from my chin. If you don’t find this hilarious, LEAVE!


Spend more time on your hair than me.

Seriously this whole metrosexual thing is overrated. Unless you're trimming your perfectly maintained goatee/moustache/beard stop hogging the mirror!



Refuse to help in the kitchen.

Don’t get me wrong I love to cook. Which means you've got the dishes. No excuses.


Are oddly tanned.

What are you a member of the Geordie Shore castJust no.



Own more designer items of clothing than me.

Personally I’m proud that my wardrobe is fed on a staple diet of Penneys items. If you’re too cool for Penneys you’re an asshole.


Are an Anti-Smoking Douchebag.

You don’t smoke? That’s cool man. But don’t you dare start giving me the stink eye and judging my attachment to good ol’ John Player Blue.



Doesn’t want to travel.

You always want to live in the village so you can never miss a local GAA match?
All aboard the FUCK-THAT train to Nopevillie.


EXPECTS me to swallow.

Yeah you keep expecting honey.



 Size Matters.

As an average Irish girl, I’m bound to try a sample before I buy the paint. Above average is required gents!


  Thinks books are for nerds.

Poetry is for nerds right? Why read the book when you can watch the film? No baby, no.
There was once this wonderful thing known as imagination. Children and adults were equals in this land of the mind where wizards and magic thrived and you sir, are ruining it.



 Have a hatred for girls with tattoos.

I’m no Cheryl Cole but the days of ballerina skin are gone.


 Enjoys Locker Room Humour.

Charming, as always.



Think you are above super hero and Disney films.

Oh you're too old for Lady and the Tramp?
That's all the evidence I need, this relationship would never have survived.


 You never fart.


Methane cuddles are natural. Let them be free, it happens to the best of us. A person who never toots is a person not to be trusted.




Fiona Delaney
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