Flirting. What is flirting? Does anyone actually know? I can't flirt, that's just fact. My friends have tried to advise and I just end up looking more awkward and less suave than I had before. So, saying that, here are my sure-fire ways to acquire a date with a human man, and keep him in the relationship forever.
14) Beat Him At Everything He Loves
Footballer? Xbox enthusiast? Flappy Bird lover? Great. Find the subject of his interest, spend all of your waking moments perfecting it, and when you have reached a level of expertise, challenge him to a game. He will respect that he has been beaten by his bedfellow and won't sulk at all.
13) Show Him That You Can Drink/Eat More Than He Can
As a female, I think it's important to show a man that his appetite, and liver, are smaller and more delicate than that of whom he would like to boink. On your date, even if you must projectile vomit later, eat more than he of masculine persuasion, even if you must order seconds. Once that is over, and your stomach is fully lined, mosey on to the pub, where you can challenge him to a delightful tequila duel.
12) Tell Him What You Really Think Of His Mother
She's a bitch who makes snide remarks and sticks her finger up at you behind his back? Well, tell him. Reveal to the mammy's boy that his mother is a rip-roaring banshee, and that she has been making his sandwiches wrong his entire life. He'll respect your honesty and side with you.
11) Let Him Know That You're Attracted To His Brother/Father/Cousin
Now, there's no need to lie; if you don't find one of his family members attractive, that's perfectly fine. But if you do, you should reveal it to him. He'll laugh about it and will encourage you to spend more time with said family member. Flirt, even. See? Relationships can be built up in this way.
10) Set His Little Sister Up With Your Bad-Boy Neighbour
He's been looking for prospective candidates who could bone his little sister for years now, and he will be delighted that you can help the process along. Better yet, offer to buy her condoms/bring her to get the Pill - sure, you're just looking out for her.
9) Make Him Get Rid Of His Pet
Whether it be a dog, cat, lizard, or hawk, advise him to rid himself of this extra being that is guarding him from his love for you. I mean, you must be number one, right? It's only natural that the other thing that gives him unconditional love is traded in for a model he can have sex with.
8) Only Talk To His Friends, Even When He's Around
You're just making nice. His friends have included you in their fold, some offering to buy you drinks, and others attempting to dance with you; take them up on all of their offers, it'll show your boyf that you get can get along with his friends better than he can. There is nothing more attractive than watching you flirt with his friends.
7) Call Him Out On His Shit Jokes
Men get tired of a woman's laughter awfully quickly, so let him know that his jokes are utter bollocks, by keeping a straight face and then advise him on how to make his jokes better. He'll immediately thank you for showing him the way.
6) Introduce Him To Your Favourite Shows
At first, he'll try to deny it but men secretly love reality television, 'Sex And The City', and female-based talk shows - they just can't admit it. So he'll be forever indebted to you if you allow, nay make, him watch these shows with you. Especially if there is a football match on at the same time, he'll be delighted with a break from anything sport-related.
5) Change His Fashion Sense
Let's face it, there are a lot of the male species who can't dress themselves worth a shit. My advice is to throw out his old comfortable jeans, and replace them with modern, skinny jeans. Rid him of those pesky old band t-shirts, football jerseys, and lucky pants that he has obtained over the years. He doesn't need memories anymore, he has you now.
4) Also His Hair
You know better, right? You know what hairstyle will suit his face. Bring him to get his hair done in your salon, as no one else can be trusted. Talk over him because she'll understand what you mean, because he doesn't have a clue.
3) Compare Him To Your Old Boyfriends
At first he will be mad, however, he should know what you like. It's handy if he knows what you liked in the past, so he can mould himself into an amalgamation of those who came before.
2) Describe His Penis To Anyone Who Will Listen
Especially his friends. Tell them of his girth and length, especially if it's below average, so they know that you love him regardless.
1) Also His Bedroom Preferences
Because who doesn't want everyone to know about their quirks in the sack?