You wake up in a random room with no clothes and the feeling that you've lost something, then last night's events start to enter your mind. You met this guy at the bar, he was cute and said all the right things. You remembered that you shaved your legs and had the right amount of tequila to be adventurous enough to go home with him - not to your house because your place was a mess after getting ready with the girls. You left with him and had a great time. Now it's morning and the cute guy is spread-eagled and snoring next to you. You have a lecture in an hour and need to get out of there before your hangover becomes a huge issue. What do you do?
1) Grab Your Valuables
Whatever would be difficult/impossible/expensive to replace: your wallet, keys and phone. You need these things. They are your gateway to regular human existence. If you can't find these you're fucked. You don't want to go back to this person's house, unless you had a great time...and in that case you don't need these tips.
2) Find Your Clothes
If you can, well done, you're better than the rest of us. Sometimes a pair of underwear or bra or shirt will go missing but fear not you're (hopefully) in a bedroom and can 'borrow' your new 'friend's' clothes. Perhaps as a thank you gift for last night. Try not to leave anything behind. Do you really want your underwear to be hung up on a board in some frat house basement as a proof of conquest? It happens.
3) Tidy Yourself Up
You probably won't want to shower at their house but wipe the smeared eyeliner under your eyes and smooth down your mess that was once a hairstyle. Carry deodorant in your purse which you can use all over your body as a sort of shower, perfume and all-over body spray so you don't stink of tequila, sex and shame. Maybe have a few mints or use your finger as a makeshift toothbrush. You don't want to look like a transient.
4) If You Want To, Leave a Note
But do not feel obligated to do so. If you just want to leave, no strings etc. just go, some might see it as rude. They'll get it, it's college, it was a bit of fun, but if you maybe want to encourage round two of last night's performance leave a note with your number or something. It can be handy to leave a note if you can't find something valuable, like your phone or that Victoria Secret bra that makes you love your breasts that you don't want to save up for again.
5) GTFO
Get out of there ASAP! Try not to disturb last night's hookup, because who needs that awkward conversation in the morning? If you're afraid of running into any potential roommates and are on the ground floor, the window is a perfectly acceptable escape route. Just leave as soon as you can.
6) The Talk
If he does happen to stir while you're frantically searching for your underwear, be polite. No need to be a bitch and rudely ignore him. Say good morning, ask how he's doing, maybe ask if he knows where your underwear is. It might not be as awkward as you imagine it will be. You had sex it's not like you got drunk and married each other. Don't believe everything he says ('I'll definitely text you.') but if he offers a ride home or breakfast, you might as well take it. It'll save you a taxi fare.
7) Own That Walk Home
You had sex, you haven't murdered someone. There shouldn't be any shame in the fact that you got some last night, as long as you were safe and the guy/girl wasn't a dick. If they were, then yeah, maybe hold your head down and walk away as fast as possible in those foldable flats that you had stashed in your purse. Walking home barefoot is never fun, especially around campus bars that may or may not have broken glass outside of them.
8) Shower & Treat Yourself
Wash off any gross sweaty shame that might be lingering on your person. Get into your comfiest clothes and deal with your growing hangover. Grab yourself a treat, you deserve it. Cake/pastries/french fries? Whatever you need to reward yourself for a job well done, you get it.
9) Facebook
Let your friends know you got home OK, because your phone most likely died while you were at your new 'friend's' house getting lucky. Maybe have a little creep on his Facebook page to judge just how ashamed or proud you should be that you did the dance with no pants with him. REact accordingly.
