Guys, 5 Reasons You're Not Getting Any...

Now really there are hundreds, if not thousands of reasons a girl will find to not go home with you. Sometimes it genuinely isn't your fault and sometimes it's your fault but there's nothing you can do about it... Then there are the things you can fix:


Saying any of the following:


'Nice guys finish last'

'Girl only go for assholes'


Nope, nope and nope. Way to kill my ladyboner. These are always part of some huge rant about the last girl you watched sleeping through her window and I don't want to be the next one. That may be an exaggeration but if she's had to block you on facebook because you obsessively liked every single post she made despite not having spoken in a year, you need to re-evaluate your definitions of 'nice guy' and 'asshole' because you may be confused. Wipe these man-child phrases from your mind and keep the creepy to yourself.


Not looking after yourself

Look, no one expects you to wear designer clothes and have a €200 haircut but y'know showering is good. Its up there with deodorant and clean clothes. Keeping all varieties of hair neat and tidy is appreciated. Don't just spray enough lynx to kill a small child and figure you're okay. Take care of yourself. Moisturize occasionally. You might like it.



Talking about how big your dick is

Do I feel the need to inform you how epic my lady parts are? No, because if you're worthy of knowing, you'll find out for yourself. Same should go for your bits. I'm sure your penis is just wonderful, but telling me, repeatedly, isn't making me any more enthused on seeing for myself. Plus you run the risk of creating disappointment when it turns out that rumours of your size were greatly exaggerated.


Over complimenting


'You're so pretty'

'Awh thank you, you're so sweet'.

'You have such nice eyes'

'Thanks so much'

'You look great in that outfit'



'Your hair is great'

'Uh huh'

'You have a great smile'

-Tumbleweed- because I ran the hell away from you.

Compliments are nice. Everyone loves a compliment. A compliment. Not a thousand. Its boring and there are only so many ways you can say thank you. It gets awkward. And awkward is why fake phone call apps were invented. Show some personality!



Your friends

You're doing everything right and I am seconds from calling a taxi then BOOM, your idiot friend arrives to tell some horrific story about you, fall over drunk in front of you, say something bitchy to me and he totally kills the mood and your chances. Seriously, make your friends agree that if a conversation lasts more than five minutes and you're not sending distress signals, they back the hell off.



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Laura ONeill
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