Uncategorized

How To Spot A Stage Five Clinger

It had been six weeks, six perfect, almost a girlfriend, weeks. Until that fateful day where it all ended.

 

I was in the lovely in-between stage. A chance meeting in Coppers on a Tuesday night. We had gone past drunken scoring and I had three dates under my belt. At first I thought things were fine and I was being an amazing and considerate girl friend (*not yet girlfriend). Now I'm in a tricky situation...I think I have gone and blown it. Having had time to assess the situation, and my passed behavior, I now realize where I went oh so wrong. Turns out I'm a stage five clinger.

Was it the 3am calls to check if he was awake? Was it the full-on obsessive 'BFF' relationship with his younger sister? Or the weird rivalry I solely created in my head with his ex girlfriend?

Advertisement

The new nickname given to me by his friends 'psycho clinger' is just the icing on top of an already decaying cake. I should have acted so differently. For anyone out there at this stage in their relationship, take my advice of How To Spot A Stage Five Clinger.

1. You stalk his ex

If you have stalked his ex on Facebook, added her, poked her and sent her a mail with a wink face, you are on your way to stage five..beware. And if you see her on a night out and give her unneccessary filthies...I'm sorry we have lost you.

2. Don't be around all the time

It is not necessary to meet him for lunch every single day. Let him breathe. Let him hang out with the lads and do his own thing. If you do quite the opposite this will be all too much for him...not for you. You will be having a fantastic time.

3. Don't turn him into your own Ryan Gosling

Just because Mr. Gosling has a farmers cap does not mean your boyfriend, sorry the guy you are seeing, wants a farmers cap. If you are suggesting he wears that thing David Beckham or Jake Gyllenhaal wore...it will not go down well. If this is you, yes you've guessed it...you're a stage 5 clinger..welcome to the club.

4.Don't bombard his parents with gifts

When he invites you over to the house, sure talk to his parents, even tell a joke or too, but don't suck up to them. They will see right through it and he will see it as needy and crazy. Candles, nice Avoca dips and chocolates is a bit much. Remember..YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!

 

5. Don't become 'BFF's' with his sister

Don't get me wrong being friendly is nice but don't get overly friendly. Liking and commenting under her statuses, leaving her links and liking all her pictures can seem possessive. If you think you are the sister she never had..put the phone down...stop texting her.

 

6. Don't broadcast the first present he gets you

Yes it is a wonderful moment. You are exstatic and feel you have accomplished something. Tell your friends by all means, just don't put it on Facebook or Instagram with the hashtags #Relationship #Firstpresent #Love. You are not in a relationship...you are nothing serious...this will freak him out. Plus nobody likes a show off...

7. Don't steal his clothes

When you have nothing else to wear, when high heels and a bodycon dress for the drive (or walk) home are the only option, sure borrow that guys clothes. Just don't hold on to them for dear life. If you ever give the jumper or tracksuit bottoms back there is one rule and one rule only: DO NOT spray perfume on the clothes. Sadly, boys aren't idiots, and they will see exactly what you are doing. It is beyond creepy and they will not be amused. And if you are posting things like this...
....there is nothing I can do for you.

8. Don't try and leave stuff in their house

They will notice and will hand it back to you. If you are thinking this is a sneaky way to get the official title of girlfriend take a giant step back. Trust me..I am speaking from experience...they will freak out.

 

 

9. Don't boss him around

No matter how long you get away with it, it will come back to haunt you. And the guy you are seeing will certianly add that into the reasons he wants to end things. This reminds me...demanding where the relationship is going will also come across as bossy and domineering.

10. Don't delete him on Facebook whenever you feel like it

If you get in a fight or he calls you "controlling" do not delete him on Facebook and re-add him an hour or two later. When you are in a full fledged legit relationship act as you wish. But in the 6 week stage your friends, his friends, and more importantly the guy himself, don't care so there is no need to put it on your homepage.

 

 

11. Do not under ANY circumstances call his friends

His friends already think your a bit of a "psycho clinger" so asking them "where is he?" or "why hasn't he called?" is not a good move. Your looking insecure, too available and making his friends dislike you.

 

 

 

If you surpass the 6 week scoring stage without doing any of these 11 things...power to you! I'm sure you and your man will have a loving and long relationship.

Lauren Rol
Article written by
Lauren Rol: A UCD graduate who spends most of her time watching the Soaps. A devout fan of Chinese food and a French Bulldog obsessive.
Facebook messenger