20 Signs He's Totally Undateable...

We've all been approached by some weirdo's in our time, but sometimes you meet a guy and they're just lovely. However, after a few dates you start to regret giving the lad time of day. How do I spot the symptoms of someone completely undateable you ask? Well look no further...

1) Pit Stains

This is only acceptable if you're in the Sahara dessert, otherwise... Ewwwwww.  Forget cologne, you'd think they know what Lynx is. There's nothing worse than when this guy goes to put his arm around you and you feel this lovely moist patch on your shoulder... no bueno.

2) Potty Mouth

"F*** this, and F*** that, she's a right c*nt, I mean what a absolute b*tch", not impressive. Lads sometimes use cursing as a way of showing us ladies that their hard bastards or it's suggestive of a anger problem, either way, get the f*ck out of there.


3) Knowing the difference between gel and grease

Sometimes it's genuinely hard to tell if that guy has gelled his hair or has taken wrecking it to Avicii way to another level and has resulted in his laying down in sweaty sweaty defeat.

4) They Have A Coppers Gold Card

In all fairness, they can get you in for free, although this should never a reason to date someone. You can't help but see a little flashing red light go off in front of your eyes when you see that card. This little nagging voice at the back of your head is shaking it's finger and saying "Only people who go to Coppers a lot get that card... and we all know what goes down there.".


5) Puberty Stache

Where do I even start... Right, this is just unsettling to look at. I know you're trying to state your manhood, but reallllly?  Just look in the mirror mate... and grab a razor while you're at it.

6) Talks About Their Ex

"Oh no like we broke up ages ago like."/"Like we were just together for a few years."/"Nah like, I did love her but like it just didn't work."/ "Do you think she'd mind if I texted her?  We're friends." Yeah, no problem, you go ahead and text her while I just never return from the bathroom.


7) Walks Around With His Hand On His Crotch 24/7

Oh wow. You must be a total mad bastard, or perhaps you need the constant reassurance of having man parts. This guy probably lives at home still, wears a snapback and listens to Tiesto all day, errrrrrday. No matter what this guy says to you, don't let those ballsack sweaty hands touch you *shudders*.

8) Whining

Everything is the worst for this poor soul. It's too warm, his beer is too cold, now his shoes just came untied and he's so embarrassed that he nearly starts crying. Nobody needs that negative energy, plus it's hella annoying.


9) Has Never Had A Double Bed

"My Mam said I might be getting one for Christmas.". This is understandable if he's broke as sh*t, but generally any guy who can't stand up to his Mammy so he can get some extra sleeping* room is not worth your time, especially if he's over 21.

10) Red Gums

For any dentally challenged folk who had to get braces during their teen years you know all there it to a healthy mouth, and red gums ain't a good thing. If his gums are bleeding red, it means he doesn't brush his teeth... ever. And who wants to kiss that mouth?


11) Self-Proclaimed Druggie

"Sure I took 3 yolks on the weekend, and that was just for starters". Any guy who bases the limit of his ego on how much drugs he takes is just the height of sadness. Talking with this guy is reminiscent of having a junkie talk to you at the bus stop, and you'll have the same desire to get ASAP.

12) Slogan T-Shirts

This is the best way to inform a female that you have minimum experience in the bou doir. Although you are so "funny" and I appreciate the fact that your so open about how "only real women swallow" but please, stand elsewhere.



13) He's A Complete Mamma's Boy

As much as we all love our Mammys, they nurse us back to health when we have a cold, the sheets are always softer when they do the washing and god damn does she make the best stuffing. But when it's 3am and his Mother calls to see what time will he be home and if he's getting on okay, run. It's very likely this guy hangs on every word his Mammy tells him, no doubt she's the only woman in his life.

14) Unemployed

If he's inbetween work, or is working towards a career then ignore this point because at least he's ambitious. But if the guy has been on the dole for the past two years and has no intention of finding something to do with his life, then he probably has little or no ambition, and these guys are not worth your time of day.


15) Dirty Laundry

You can tell he wears his jeans to college, to sessions and probably the gym. They're in shreds at the end and the blue is so drained from them that the denim is just this awkward blue-white colour. It's understood that this guy feels like this item of clothing looks good no matter what, and he's probably very attached to his trousers, but this shows lack of laundry activities and self-maintenance.

16) Cockiness

The thing about most good-looking guys is that they know they're good-looking. What starts out as going all tingly inside when he starts talking to you, turns into boredom as they go on about their favourite protein shake, and how they lifted 100 kg in the gym today. All in all, good for the ride, not for your intellectualism.


17) The Use of Chat-Up Lines

"I heard you were trouble when you walked in."/"If I were to rate from 1-10. I rate you a 9, because i'm the one you're missing.". No further explanation needed. 

18) Coming From Behind

According to some lads this technique for picking up chicks doesn't die in the local underage disco. Yes, some guys genuinely think that in their twenties this is still a good way of attracting a partner. This shows that this guys is stuck in the past, and his maturity is probably not up to date, now get your mitts off me.

19) Being a bit, er, forward

You've just introduced yourself and he pops the romantic question "So sex, or no sex?", or makes a passionate comment on your lady parts "I bet you have a lovely bush between those legs.". Sadly these people exist are in no fucking way dateable.

20) He's Always Been In A Relationship

If it comes up that he's had 4 girlfriends in the past 6 months than that generally means he's just in it for the security. A guy who has never taken the time to get to know himself might be a bit of a pushover, who's relationships are for the purpose of feeling steady. Internally this guy may be questioning everything, or is just content in being. Either way, it goes to show that his doesn't think too lovey dovey off his girlfriend, since it's all the same to him.

Catherine Munnelly
Article written by
Catherine Munnelly is a colourfully-haired UCD graduate with a degree in reading books. A pint-sized bundle of wisdom, she has mastered the game of Flip-Cup, enjoys the company of bearded-men and despises rude people. When she's not writing or talking about her dog, you'll find her wandering around Europe telling folk that Leprechauns exist and Bono's her uncle.
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