You saw him staring at you at the bar and thought he was slightly, possibly, a tiny bit cute. After a few drinks, you gave him your number, forgot about it, took a cab home and went to bed. The next morning you wake up to 13 texts, 8 Snapchats, Facebook, Whatsapp and Instagram requests. With Drake-like speed and intensity, he has transformed from a harmless acquaintance into a class-1 Mr. Persistent: the borderline-stalker who lurks at the edge of your existence, desperately searching for any way he can to insert himself into your life. He's annoying, he's relentless and here's how you can do away with him.
1. Don't Give Him A Way In
It sounds awful, but having a fake number on deck isn't a bad idea. When you can tell that a guy is prepared to creep you unto the ends of the Earth, simply change a few of your digits. He'll be none the wiser and you won't have to worry about the inevitable 15 daily "where r u lol ;)" texts.
2. For The Love Of God, Don't Respond
If, by some terrible twist of fate or pity, you end up giving him your actual number, DO NOT RESPOND. Even if he gets salty and blows up your phone with a creepy 12-paragraph "I know you're there" sob story, stay strong.
3. Scare Him Off
As every classic Scooby-Doo villain knows, the best way to protect your treasure is to scare the shit out of anyone who tries to come near it. Even the most tenacious Mr. Persistent is gonna peace out if you tell him, in detail, about the doomsday cult you and your twelve identical siblings belong to. Join us, brother, all we require is $10,000 and a blood oath...
4. Send Him The Lyrics To Mariah Carey's "Obsessed"
One of the most famous Mr. Persitant's of all time is none other than Marshall Bruce Mathers, popularly known as the ferocious vanilla rapper Eminem. If a native resident of South Detroit can be deterred by the gentle savagery of Mariah's poetry, your off-brand, mom & pop stalker doesn't stand a chance. Besides, odds are this guy identifies most with music born out of the denim-and-rhinestone abyss of the early 2000's anyways.
5. Pretend To Be A Member Of The Russian Mafia
Learn the Russian words for "prized daughter," "cartel" and "bowie knife" and drop these into your casual conversation. After a quick session with Google Translate, he will no longer want to meet your father, Anton "The Silver Adder" Gregorovitch III.
6. Ask Him For An Outrageous Sum Of Money
One of the easiest ways to beat a weasel like Mr. Persistent is to out-skeeze him. Whether he's looking for sex, a side-chick or arm candy, he thinks that he's the one playing you. To turn the tables, politely ask him if you can borrow $20,000 for your ostrich farm start-up. No reply? No problem.
7. Explain Your Plans To Join A Nunnery
As you recently discovered (actually, just around the moment he first texted you), your true heart's desire is to enter into a binding vow of chastity and serve until your life's end as a treasured bride of Christ. He can send you letters at the following address and even speak to you through a grate on the first Sunday of the month!
8. Pass Him On To A Friend
You might feel like the girl in Drag me To Hell who tries to give the cursed button to her absolute snake of a co-worker, but hey, it might just work. We all have that one friend who likes nothing more than to have a guy obsess over them. The constant attention, the relentless texts, the boom box blasting Goo Goo Dolls outside the window every other night. They love it.
9. Only Respond With One-Word Texts
Even Mr. Persistent is human and no human being can abide more than three one-word responses in a row. Ya k bye.
10. Be Honest
Despite the ridiculous (but effective?) nature of everything I've said thus far, perhaps one of the best ways you can handle this situation is with honesty. Explain with as much empathy as you can that you're truly not interested, but appreciate the flattery. The post-script, however, should read as follows: if you don't hop off my dick, I'm going to the authorities.
Video: He Won't Leave Me Alone, Help!