I've never been the type of person to fall in love. Being honest, I've never felt anything strong enough to make me want to be in a relationship with anyone -- ever. Is that strange for a 20 year old? But I don't live this crazy 'single' life either. I'm kind of stuck in the middle. And for what? So I can stay in alone on the nights I don't go out, just to watch episodes of some tv series that I've already seen just to try to drive myself to sleep?
While getting to sleep is a completely unrelated subject, it is a big part of how I feel when I'm with someone I feel doesn't like me as much as I like them. Only once was I with a lad that I could actually fall asleep with without watching tv or listening to music. We would just talk and talk, and then just doze off. The next morning I would wake up feeling happy. There was someone beside me who wanted to be there beside me. (But in the back of my head, there was always the feeling he didn't. That's where the pain comes in.)
In the mornings, of course I would automatically run to the bathroom and brush my teeth and fix my hair and make myself look like a 'bed head' - without the actual dedication of being a real 'bed head' (who is that blessed?) Is it stupid that I want to feel comfortable enough with someone to not care if my breath smells like the night before, or if my natural curls are a little more wild than usual? Being with someone that only kinda likes you, makes you feel like you constantly have to change things about yourself, and that's very shitty.
Of course, the only person that I've felt a little bit comfortable with was not a friend before I knew him. I was infatuated by him. Some of my friends called it 'obsessed.' I hated who I became when I was with him. I found myself popping his name into random conversations, and driving the conversation to a place where I could mention him again. How did my friends refrain from shooting me? Shout out to those gals.
I always thought that I wasn't good enough, interesting enough, pretty enough, fun enough... The list just goes on and on. He really wasn't a great guy either. It was all in my head. A built up notion of perfection. Even when he did something that was imperfect, I let it slide, and in my head he was still a God. (A drug using, college failing God, but a God nonetheless) But if I did anything that was in the slightest way 'uncool'... well those tiny moments still pop up in my head sometimes.
Being with someone who doesn't fully care for you, is kind of like watching someone else be in the relationship. You're not yourself when you're with him, but you want to be. You want to be the girl that is cool and collected around him. You want to be the girl that actually takes 3 hours to reply because she has a busy life, not just because he took 2 hours to text back. You want to not care for him as much, but for some reason his stupid face makes you smile even when he's being a dick.
I am very happy to have him out of my life, I have no feelings for him anymore. But sometimes I long for the days when I stayed up hoping for him to text me back, (maybe faster than an hour later for once) for the days when I beamed uncontrollably because of one teeny compliment he paid me. (And it was only ever that, ONE.) I know these sound like the most stupid little pleasures, but you can't help it when you like someone much more than they like you.
Hello mate- it's 2016. Are you honestly saying that one stupid boys compliments took you higher than all of the compliments you receive daily from friends, family, and from people that want to be that boy to you? Sadly, and regrettably, yes.
I do not miss staying up waiting for a text back...
but I miss having something to wait up for.
I do not miss crying uncontrollably at work over one text...
but I do miss caring.
I do not miss being ignored in front of his friends for most of the night...
but I do miss that one kiss he gave me at the end to make up for it.
I do not miss the constant feelings of inadequacy,
but I do miss the fact that he did like me, for a little while at least.
I do not miss crying over him ignoring me for weeks,
but I do miss having somebody to think of.
I do not miss being afraid that I would scare him off,
but I do miss the way he sometimes looked at me.
Someday, I know I'll find someone that truly cares for me, instead of a boy that I wanted to love me so badly that I changed who I was.
Someday, he'll be a distant memory and I'll have somebody who actually cares for me to cuddle me and send me off to sleep.
Video: The Torture Of Loving A Person Who Doesn't Love You Back
Credit: Double Chen
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