Student Survival Guide: The Walk of Shame

Even if one night stands aren't your thing, you are going to end up having one sometime throughout you time in college. There's nothing worse then wandering your way down a main road, eye makeup smudged, smelling of sex and beer while looking completely clueless. No fear! Although you cannot help but feel totally shameful, there are ways to overcome your self-wallowing and judgemental glances from the not-so-shameful public. This is the Collegetimes.com student survival guide to the walk of shame...

 20) Accept Your Fate

In your hazy awakening you'll hit a wall of devastation when you realise that you've to walk home. You know you smell, your mouth tastes like an ashtray and it's something that even the best spooning can't quite shake off. "How can I do this nonchalantly?" you may ask, keep reading.

19) Freshen The Fuck Up

Get yourself out of that bed and get into the bathroom. This will give you a moment to make your plan of action, whether that being getting the f*ck out of there ASAP or hanging around for an extra round. Also, you'll be able to go through your bag to see what you can and can't use to make your walk less shameful.


18) Don't Ask For A T-Shirt

Wearing a lads t-shirt is like the number one sign that you got laid last night. If you must, take a plain t-shirt and wear it over your dress, you aim is too look as casual but not baggy. Think jumper and leggings style, not tracksuit bottoms and high heels, not a good look.

17) Remove All Remaining Eye Make Up

Get that shit off your face. If don't have any baby wipes, wet tissue is your best friend. Or if you can get your hands on some cleanser or moisturiser get that shit on a tissue, you'll be happy as Larry.


16) If You Can, Get A Taxi

If your able to afford it, do it. You can skip so much hassle and judgement from life and the public if you grab a cab. Check Google Maps before you get in a taxi, you might be a forty minute drive away from your house. You're a student, not a millionaire.

15) Don't Be Clingy

If you feel he's being a bit off don't keep trying to cuddle him or be affectionate in anyway. Save yourself some dignity and leave. Also if this happens, play cool. After all, if he doesn't want you there, then why do you want to be there? But leave when you're ready to go, no point in rushing out in one heel and an inside out dress.


14) Avoid Human Interaction At All Costs

His mother, roommates, even other pedestrians, everyone in fact. Chances are you look shit and won't be in the mood to chat with strangers (unless you still feeling a bit merry) so this tip will appeal to you greatly. If you do have to interact with taxi-drivers or deli staff make sure you think before you talk to prevent yourself making noises instead of any sense.

13) "This will end."

So you've found yourself wandering through busy streets, miles from home and it feels like everyone is staring at you. Not to mention you have the fear in a bad way. But you will get home, everyone who saw will forget you, just keep thinking of that cup of tea you're going to make when you get home.


12) Don't Leave Anything Behind

Do it for yourself, or if you're not planning on seeing this guy, ever again.

11) Sleep In

No denying that you two were up until the crack of dawn *nudge* *nudge*. Sleeping in will help your motor skills run better the next day, your brain will be a little sharper and your body's internal conflict to die a little less painful.


10) Wear a Beenie... Or Any Kind of Hat

You want to try and avoid borrowing a hoodie, plus walking down the road with your hood up is dead giveaway. Wearing a beenie will have people convinced your just another laid-back civilian, and blending in with the crowd is exactly what you want to be.

9) Steal Moisturiser

Moisturiser is a God send in these situations. You can use it to wipe off your old make-up, regenerate you skin to stop you looking like shit and put it in the ends of you Russell Brand-eisque hair to calm it down. Finders keepers.


8) Mouthwash & Chewing Gum

Maybe it's just the thought of using someone else's toothbrush that freaks me out, plus it's like playing the lotto, you don't want to end up using his room-mates toothbrush,  Ewwwwww.  No,  instead, stick to a gargle of mouthwash and a packet of chewing gum. Better safe than sorry.

7) Have A Bird Bath

Try to avoid getting your hair wet. This is a dead giveaway to the outside world that you got laid last night, of course there's nothing wrong with that. But still, it just feels oh so shameful.  Grab a bar of soap, fill up the sink and wash the stench of sex and vodka off your skin.


6) Know Where You're Going

The birth of Google maps actually originates from the lost guys and girls on the walk of shame. If you leave in a rush with your phone uncharged, always try to find a bus stop. Do not ask for directions. Mothers will shield their children from you, people will cross the road when they see you and the elderly will whisper about your sinful lifestyle. Not really. But it will feel like that. Find a bus stop, they have maps.

5) Down A Litre of Water Before You Leave

If you're unfortunate enough to not have a bottle with you, then down a load of water before you head on your travels. This will hydrate your dried-up body while you're trying to find your way home.


4) Wait Until You're Out Of Sight To Call Your Mate

Whether it's an SOS or just for the goss, wait until you're out of sight to phone your friend. You don't want to leave an impression like you're a total chatterbox, or in desperate need of help. It just looks bad.

3) Pray That You Packed Flat Shoes

Sober you needs to look after hungover you. There's nothing more obvious (or embarrassing) than making your way down the road in heels and tracksuit bottoms. Plus it'll take you forever to get anywhere.


2) And Tights...

If you're a dress kind of girl, always, always, bring tights. It's a lifesaver in this situation. With a hoodie, tights, and flats, it'll look like your wearing a casual skirt. Sorted.

1) Don't Feel Ashamed

Although it may feel like the world is judging you for your drunken libido, realistically, no one is judging. You may get a smirk out of them, but that's just because at one point or another they've walked in your shoes. Try to find the funny-side of things, think about the amazing chicken fillet roll you're about to buy and the laugh your going to have with your mates later, plus you got laid! YAAAAY!

Ciara Donnelly
Article written by
Ciara is a Sex Columnist and purveyor of anything and everything inappropriate around the CollegeTimes office. After having spent her entire 4 years at college in Coppers she somehow managed to graduate with a surprisingly high GPA and a 2:1 in Psychology... Which, according to her, makes her the right person to give sex advice to others...
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