Despite what they say, finding yourself decent sex nowadays is no walk in the park. In fact, it's comparable to completing a long and arduous obstacle course, underwater, in the Arctic, with weights tied to your legs, while trying to belt out Bohemian Rhapsody. So no, contrary to belief, getting the ride requires a little more than batting your eyelashes, twirling your curls and raising the pitch of your voice up a notch or two. Fear not though ladies, I'm here to ensure that you end that dry spell once and for all. Goodbye fear of your lady parts growing an outer shell and hello numerous nights crammed full of passion. Here's the idiots guide to getting the ride:
1) Smell Like An Angel
Because who the hell is going to want to dip their stick into something that smells like congealed river water? Answer; nobody sane or not desperate. Have a little wash, a small scrub and if you're really feeling frisky, then why not lash on some Eau de toilette while you're at it? Speaking from a female point of view, I know that even the ugliest of men will get a second glance if they're dosed in enough chemical scent. Give it a shot ladies.
2) Groom Like A Goddess
While you may wear your body hair with pride and function (as a sort of thermal heating system), it's not really going to get the blood flowing to his special place. I'm not suggesting that you go full military operation on that shit, but seriously, shave yourself you hairy mong. Remove, tidy and trim as you see fit and no, a one inch fuzz all over is not fit. Be smooth, shiny and glimmering. Think along the lines of Kim Kardashians arse cheeks and you're halfway there. Kanye seems to like it...
3) Be Loose (But Not Broken)
There's a fine line between being sexy and being Playboy bunny and to cross that line is a fatal and dangerous thing. It spells the difference between pulling a fine thing and pulling something that looks as though it was found in a cow shed on a cold windy Wednesday. Look a certain way and you'll pull a certain type of person. Sex is sex and all, but unless you've woken up beside someone so horrific you needed a drink to block out the memory of their manky face and matted back, then you'll know that standards exist for a reason.
4) Charm Their Pants Off (Literally)
Practice the ancient and forgotten art of snake charming. Turn it on like a coffee machine in a hungover office. Be slick, interesting, cool and an all round babe. Lash a few compliments in their general direction and watch him turn puce. This is a surefire sign that he's just as up for a bit of jiving to the no pants dance as you are. Asking questions and actually listening to him answering them (stop fucking staring at his arms) will push you up and up on the ride-ability scale. One last thing to remember on this point, a couple of drinks makes most people more loose tongued and horny than a 'pay by the hour' Porn star. A few drinks are almost essential when trying to charm someone senseless. Once you surpass a few though, you enter the zone I like to call 'dickhead'. You'll come across as a dickhead, will catch the attention of a dickhead and will then probably have sex with this dickhead and worst of all, you have nobody to blame but yourself. You dickhead.
5) Be Witty, Not To Mention Pretty
Despite what you may have heard, it's not just women who can be laughed into bed. Men love three things in life, boobs, sex and laughter. That's actually a total lie, there's also asses, beer, football, sleep, wanking and Kate Upton, but that's for another day. If you can make him laugh (and not in a pitying, you're pretty ugly so I'm laughing in the vague hope that you'll go away, way) then you've practically got his pants off already. Oh and on a less achievable note, being hot and funny is the very pinnacle of pulling success, so if you can emulate even a little of that then you're sorted for tonight's ride home. She shoots, she scores.
6) Touch Them Constantly
If they're even partly into you then they'll love this shit. If they're not a fan of the 'you' show, you'll probably creep the shit out of them, but hell, it was worth a try. Everyone loves a trier, after all. By touching them (in non creepy places, obviously), then you're subconsciously telling them that you want to bang their brains out all night long. Or you know, something more ladylike. To really pull this move off with aplomb, laugh, be charming and touch them, all at the same time. Yes, it does take some co-ordination, but it'll be more than worth it if you get to have sex. Creeped them out, doesn't matter had sex.
7) Be Open To New Things
Is he not exactly your type? What a pity, it's almost as if you can afford to be picky. Here's another idea. (Wo) man the fuck up and realise that you're being ridiculous. If you like him, go for it. Sex is sex when your river is running dry. Bear in mind that it's not 1962 and you're not getting married or hand washing his clothes anytime soon. Go for the one who isn't your type, try new things, fuck it, why not? What happens if you find yourself some sort of kinky, surprising sexual deviant? Am, go back for round two, that's what. Jesus, I shouldn't have had to spell that one out. They're all learning experiences and another card to add to the deck of men you've done. It's all good. Probably.
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