From The Dagger To The Cat: Kisses We've All Had On Valentine's Day

Being single on Valentine's Day can ensure you have the best night of your life. No awkward cinema dates, no seeing couples fondling inappropriately in restaurants, no spending all of your hard earned cash on someone else. You can just go out with your mates, dance til your feet hurt, and not worry about anything... Except that inevitable drunken Valentine's kiss. Here are some of the worst kisses you can have this V-day...


1) The Washing Machine


Circular motions, generally unsatisfactory.


2) The Cat



A boring and emotionless shift, just stands there giving you nothing.

3) The Slobber Special


Lots of tongue and wet lips, delightful.



4) The Dagger


Slightly aggressive in and out motions, may be stressful.


5) The Head Butt



More aggressive than the Dagger but just as terrifying, may cause injury.


6) The Shlug


The drunken dead and motionless shift.


7) The Turtle


Dull and dreary, has been known to put people to sleep with their moves.




8) The Sucky Special


Limited ability to pleasure due to tongue size. Claims it's silent but deadly.


9) The Cheeseburger



Known to be a violent shift. Inspires sich comments as "She ate the face off me."



10) The Dyson Fury 


Involves lots of suction. A very dry and un-motivating shift.

Now you can consider yourself prepared for Valentine's Day... Go forth and shift responsibly!

Aoife Connolly
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