7 Of The Worst Valentine's Day Gifts You Could Ever Get

7 Of The Worst Valentine's Day Gifts You Could Ever Get

For whatever reason, many people seem to go into complete metldown when faced with the prospect of having to buy a gift for their partner, be it for Christmas, or a birthday or, worst of all Valentine's day. If you are lucky enough to never have been on the receiving end of some nightmarishly ill-advised Valentine's gift then I'm sure you know someone who has had to suffer the indignity of their partner grimly handing over a gift-wrapped waffle-iron.

Well, ever fans of potential catastrophic humiliation, we have sought to collate 7 of the most heinous Valentine's Day gifts that we could find. Peruse the following for your entertainment or, if you're looking to break up with your partner but are too cowardly to explicitly make your feelings known, consider this something of a shopping list.

1) 'Brief' Jerky  

Briefs. Near universally regarded as the least sexy of all male underwear. We thought there was nowhere else for them to go. We thought we knew all we could about the brief. However, someone has decided to create briefs out of jerked beef. Leaving aside the myriad avenues of punning possibility the aforementioned phrase leaves us, they are a true abomination. The perfect gift for someone who utterly abhors the twin ideas of body hygiene and food safety.

2) A Hug-E-Gram

In a way, we are all living in a nightmare, and that nightmare's name is 'reality'. This harrowing advertisement, for what looks like something somebody in solitary confinement would make during their weekly arts and crafts hour, is nightmare fuel. The existence of this, this 'Hug-E-Gram', brings down how much good there is in the world by about 7%. What doesn't scream 'romance' about this pair of disembodied arms that you are supposed to wrap around yourself? Fortunately, however, it seems that they are no longer commercially available, though I'm sure there is a lucrative second-hand market, as the only thing worse than a pair of disembodied arms to wrap around yourself, is a second-hand pair of disembodied arms to wrap around yourself.

Unfortunately, there simply isn't time to get into a discussion about the weird optional personalised message, but oh, how I wish there were.

3) A Multipack Of Valentine's-Themed Cheetos:

Imagine the shame, your partner - your lovely partner - has bought for your Valentine's present, a delightful weekend away for you both in a competitively-priced rural hotel. In return, you bring forth from behind your back, this, this limited edition multipack of Valentine's themed Cheetos. Feel the shame, so strong you can almost taste it, like ash in your mouth, like dirt, like the grimy residue of the 20 individual bags of Valentine's themed Cheetos you will end up eating alone.

4) Funeral Planning

We can only hope that the intern that had been left in charge of this funeral parlour's marketing plan when this was arranged has been banished to the wilderness, forbidden from ever interacting with modern society again.


5) Underwear for two

To be fair, these are the ideal Valentine's Day Gift... if you want your partner to lose all respect for you and be so weirded out that you are never again able to make eye-contact with one another. Presumably, these are little more than a marketing ploy designed to sell some underwear that was manufactured to an excessive size due to some factory mishap. It is unclear from this promotional photograph whether they also come with adequate health insurance to cover the cost of the A&E trip that would inevitably be needed were two people to actually attempt to put these on.

6) A Gym Membership For Them:

Really, you should steer clear of anything that could be construed as a hint that your better half may be gaining weight. This dear reader, is a one-way path toward argument you do not want to go down.

7) A Gym Membership For Yourself

Much though you might try and spin it to your partner by saying that three months down the line, with a strict adherence to a prescribed cardio programme, they will be able to reap the rewards of your beautiful toned body, it'd be impossible to perceive it as anything other than being slightly selfish.

Get them what they want this year with €60 off great smartphones when you switch to Vodafone X.

Rory McNab

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