So, unless you've been living under a rock, or your internet hasn't been working for the past few weeks, you'll know that the latest Star Wars movie (The Last Jedi) is being released this week. You're either really, really excited or quite literally couldn't care less. Well, even if you fall under the latter, you'll definitely agree with one thing. There's no escaping Star Wars.
One way or another, something to do with Star Wars is coming into your life. If it's not in trailers at the cinema, ads on websites, toys, basically every merchandising opportunity or it's referenced in a TV show or Film that you're watching and you don't even realise it! Face it, Star Wars is a massive, HUGE part of popular culture. Sure, at it's core, it's nerdy entertainment but, on the bright side, it's wayyyy more socially acceptable to be into than Star Trek.
But you still have absolutely no interest in watching it?
Grand, each to their own and all that but, maybe you're feeling a little left out at this time of year (like those weirdos who didn't watch Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings used to feel every Christmas!) because Christmas time has now become Star Wars time (and Disney, who own Star Wars now, have no interest in stopping that tradition any time soon).
You don't want to watch the films, but you don't want to get left behind either, and you don't want to be left out of conversations. What you need is our Bluffer's Guide to Star Wars.
This will keep you in the conversation, people will be impressed, but you don't ever have to bother your arse sitting down and watching the nine current films in the franchise! (We won't even start on the anime series!)
1. The Jedi
That's plural by the way. The Jedi are an ancient order (like monks) who respect all life by defending and protecting those who cannot do it for themselves. They want peace and always look for non violent solutions and only fight in self defence or in defence of those they protect.
If they do fight, however, they are BADASSES.
Basically, the Jedi are the good guys in Star Wars. They also use "lightsabers" to defend themselves. You know, those swords that are like beams of light that they keep banging off of each other that make all those "womm" sounds? That's a lightsaber. The original three films are basically just the story of Luke Skywalker (the main character) becoming a Jedi.
Bluffer Phrase: "Man, I wish I was a Jedi. Obviously just so I could have my own Lightsaber, though!"
2. The Force
"The Force" is like the religion and belief system in the world of star wars. It also is a source of power so if you believe in the force and learn how to use it, you can use its energy to make stuff happen just using your mind.
Sort of like The Secret, but in Space.
There is a "light side" and a "dark side" of the force, and depending if you're a goodie or a baddie, that determines which side you use. The coolest part of it though is definitely moving things with your mind. Like Matilda! (See, Star Wars influences everything!)
Bluffer Phrase: "Ugh, my phone is the whole way over the other side of the room. I wish I could just use the Force to bring it over to me, I'm too hungover to move."
3. Darth Vader
Everyone knows who Darth Vader is. Just by looking at him, all in black, he's like an evil, scary, spaceman Johnny Cash. He's the main bad guy in Star Wars, and in pretty much all of pop culture. He's breaths really weird through that mask/helmet thing he wears and when he does talk he's got this cool, deep AF voice. Yes, he's the baddest bad guy ever but he's also the best character ever. "Hmm that voice is familiar" you'd probably think if you ever watched Star Wars, that's because he's voiced by James Earl Jones. That's right, Mufasa. Darth Vader and Mufasa are the same person!
Bluffer Phrase: "I know Darth Vader is the bad guy but, if he asked me to turn to the Dark Side, I totally would, like!"
4. Princess Leia
She's the one with the buns in her hair. You've seen that hair do everywhere over the years. You've definitely seen her in "that" bikini. Even Rachel in Friends dressed up as Leia in the Bikini for Ross. Leia is a Princess but, she's also an absolute bad ass and in the later films becomes General of the Rebellion against the bad guys.
There's a big twist in the original films where you find out Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker have actually been twin brother and sister all along.
Bluffer Phrase: "Isn't it a bit incesty that Leia and Luke kiss each other at the end of Episode 4?"
5. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father
This also means he's Leia's Dad too. But, in fairness, unless you have literally never stepped outside your front door, you've heard the phrase "Luke, I am your Father."
Well, it's from Star Wars and it's from The Empire Strikes Back (Episode 5) when the big reveal happens. Which leads me to:
Bluffer Phrase: "Did you know Darth Vader never actually says "Luke I am your Father" in the films? He actually says "No! I am your Father" but, everyone always confuses it so, don't worry about it."
6. The New Characters
That brings us to the modern day movies. The one that you'll be hearing all about for at least the next two weeks, The Last Jedi, which is the second in a new trilogy which began with "The Force Awakens" back in 2015.
The two main characters are Rey (played by Daisy Ridley) and Finn (played by John Boyega). They are basically the new Luke and Leia but they aren't related. (That we know of, yet!)
Bluffer Phrase: "Ah I'd love to see Rey and Finn get together at the end of this trilogy!"
Bonus Bluffer Phrases:
"The prequals were shite!"
"George Lucas writes crap dialogue!"
"Chewbacca growling when Han Solo died was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen."
"Han did/didn't shoot first!" (Pick whichever one you feel like on the day)
There you have it, a bluffer's guide to Star Wars. You now have just enough information to yourself through a Tinder date with a Star Wars fanatic and you never have to actually sit down and watch them all. But, remember only use the light side of The Force!