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'Sex-Crazed Immigrant Spiders Will Rise Up And Overthrow Irish Government,' Experts Say

'Sex-Crazed Immigrant Spiders Will Rise Up And Overthrow Irish Government,' Experts Say

This Autumn has seen a stark increase in the number of 'big-fuck-off' spiders throughout homes across the country.

Recent media reports have suggested the spiders may band together to form a rogue government in order to overthrow the current establishment.

The defence forces have now been put on high alert as the arachnids are said to be putting together a tactical masterplan in order to surround Dáil Éireann and begin their insurrection.

The spiders are said to have become increasingly frustrated of living in fear of being mercilessly murdered by their human counterparts. Inspired by the 1916 rising head spider Tegenaria domestica has drawn up a 'Proclamation of the Republic Of Giant Spiders'

We spoke to the leader of the arachnid rebellion about the Proclamation near the bath plug in my toilet:

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All we have ever wanted is the right to hide out in places you don't go often, scuttle creepily across the floor and have hundreds of baby spiders. My brothers and sisters live in fear every day and we've had enough so we're going to take over the country, sure we'd probably do a better job than that shower that's in the Dáil.

In response to any potential uprising, the army is said to be readying a wide range of measures to halt the spiders. Protective measures include glass jars, rolled up newspapers, & rubber bullets.

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Eoin Lyons

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