"Would you like milk and sugar in your coffee sir?"
"How about a sprinkling of cocoa powder."
"And perhaps a dash of glitter?"
"Right... can I digest that?"
"Almost certainly not."
"So wouldn't it sort of just all gather in my colon into one impacted lump until my intestines rupture in one of the glitziest and tackiest medical emergencies this world has seen?"
While this may just seem like one of the most convoluted introductions to an article you have seen in recent memory, it may in fact be a premonition, a foretaste of what every visit to a café will become. As entirely unnecessarily 'glitter coffee' seems to be, like some sort of grim pathogen, slowly establishing itself in one isolated part of the world before threatening to go viral.
As we career toward the end of 2017, were we to sit down and compose a list of all the things that humanity needs; of every single thing that might help ameliorate our collective experience of life on this planet, right down at the very bottom of the list, right below 'mass-producing elaborate dildoes in the shape of Eamonn Holmes' would be the final entry, 'putting glitter on coffee'.
Yet this is the world we find ourselves in. A world where people are putting glitter on coffee. By 'people' I do of course mean 'an Indian coffee franchise by the name of Coffee by Di Bella' who have only gone and pushed the boat out by creating their 'glitter cappuccino'. They do stress that the glitter they use both to mix into their milk and which is sprinkled on top are both edible types of glitter, but I maintain that that really is slim consolation, as something being 'edible' is simply a reflection on your own determination rather than a recommendation that something should be consumed. A bowling ball is 'edible' if you really set your mind to it. Just because you can do something does not mean you should.
It is yet to see whether this will spread from the localised outbreaks in some parts of India and threaten to reach pandemic status. We can only pray that common sense prevails and that this goes the way of my collection of erotic toys shaped like Eamonn Holmes, straight to the bin.