Like some pop-rock salmon swimming up stream, instinctively returning to its original birthing grounds, Harry Styles returned to the pool that spawned him last night, X Factor. Though, unlike the salmon, his sole purpose for returning was to do some of his fabled warbling and not to copulate with other salmon - I have been beseeched by the lawyers here at College Times to stress that.
Now, I would describe myself as something of a cynic. When presented with the vast majority of modern pop culture I will obstinately turn my nose up, attempt to make some pithy remark about it, and then slither off to a corner like the arrogant little twerp I am. However, ya diss some Harry Styles and I'll track you down and attack with you a sort of rudimentary mace I've devised (carrier bag full of frozen lemons). Yet that is exactly what vast swathes of Twitter have gone and done after his performance on X Factor last night.
A recurring motif in this criticism was to unfavourably compare him to some low-rate Mick Jagger. Sure, I accept that if you wear a flared purple jumpsuit, that is a comparison you are very much inviting on yourself. However, I think what we are overlooking here is that having the tenacity to wear a flared purple jumpsuit is a commendable act of sartorial exuberance in itself. I don't think it's overstating the mark to say that there isn't a single person who wouldn't rise in my estimations by wearing a flared purple jumpsuit. Robert Mugabe? Sure, terrible dictator, but if he was wearing purple bell-bottoms billowous enough to drive a bus through, I'd shake his hand then and there.
Here's the performance:
Now I'll admit that it's, as a song, relatively poor, but I feel that 'Sign Of The Times' is a strong enough piece of music that I can forgive him a few duds, which I'm sure he'll be relieved to hear. However, lacking my messianic capacity for forgiveness, the caprice of Twitter was in full display following the performance of this purple, prancing prince.
Harry Styles is CLEARLY on something to make him believe he's a cross between Mick Jagger and Austin Powers! https://t.co/NTsNjz2DmY
— Daniel Walton (@DWaltonOfficial) November 12, 2017
Harry styles... Lidi version of Mick Jagger #XFactor
— 101 (@Autofill285) November 12, 2017
— Sharron (@LovesSpringtime) November 12, 2017
people always talk about mick jagger when it comes to harold and i'm like but are you sure about that?
— ❄ Queen Frostine ☃ (@myspookyheaven) November 12, 2017
Harold? Harold? Now, if you'll excuse me. I have some lemons to remove from the freezer.