We must begin this article with a somewhat philosophical query; in what circumstances can 'no news' be considered to be 'news'? Within what parameters can we consider a continuation of a commonly assumed status quo to be worth reporting on? Were one of Ireland's daily newspapers to, one day say, run with the headline 'Pat Kenny STILL has never bludgeoned a horse to death with an ornate, mahogony shoe-horn', we would rightly condemn it is a fatuous waste of time. Yet, at a certain point, the case exists for an absence of change to be newsworthy. We'll often see headlines with phrases such as 'no breakthrough' or 'still at deadlock'. Evidently then, there exists a point at which something remaining the same becomes relevant and newsworthy.
This piece of information does not meet those criteria. Yet, we must plough on, as we delve into the meat of this article - which is, I'm imagining the type of mystery meat you find in low-quality takeaway food?
The two best lovers from the island, Amber Gill and Greg O'Shea have declared that their relationship still exists. There had been fears that their relationship had ceased to exist, but they have sought to allay these fears, by confirming their relationship, indeed, still exists.
Let's dig deeper.
The swirling hive mind that is the internet had noticed that there had been a distinct absence of photos of the couple recently, leading people to believe that they had split. However, it has been reported that Greg and Amber, despite still being together, have found that something has come between them, and that something is the presence of the Irish Sea. A source 'close to the couple', who spoke to the MailOnline - read: someone who may've once passed one either of the pair in a supermarket - said that they're finding the long-distance aspect of their relationship difficult.
Greg is currently living in Ireland, having recently begun work as a paralegal in a Dublin law firm, while pursuing his rugby career. Amber on the other hand is trying to gain a foothold in UK media following her Love Island success. They have gone from being the two best people on one island, to being two separate people on separate islands.
They will however be reunited in Dublin this Friday as they're set to appear on The Late Late Show, alongside fellow survivor of the Villa of Big Humps™, Maura Higgins. They will almost certainly spend some portion of this interview discussing their experiences coping with a long-distance relationship.
It will no doubt be heart-warming to hear how, despite the difficulty, they are utterly committed to making it work between them. How they have resolved to finding time for one another. How they are determined that the distance won't interfere with their relationship, and they will strive to travel to see one another as often as possible. And we, we the audience will weep as we imagine, dear, sweet Greg in his office on a Friday evening, watching the clock slowly tick down so that he may leave and run to the airport. Our hearts will melt as we imagine Greg, standing in line to board a plane bound for Newcastle, a look of excitement spread across his face, his passport in his hand, a single Durex in the top pocket of his work shirt.
That, that is romance.