Student To Press Charges For Battery After Being 'Absolutely Destroyed' By Christmas Exam

Student To Press Charges For Battery After Being 'Absolutely Destroyed' By Christmas Exam

"As soon as I turned the paper over, I knew then and there, it was going to be a bloodbath."

22 year-old Hank Hinkley, a final year history and politics student, is considering taking legal action after being, as he describes, "absolutely destroyed" by an exam. The exam in question was for a module entitled 'Full Steam Ahead: A Comprehensive Look At The Socio-Political Role Of Steam Power In Early Victorian Government', which incidentally was labelled the module that was the 'Greatest Waste Of Time For All Involved' at the National University Awards.

"I barely attended any of the lectures," said Hinkley, in conversation with College Times, "I know nothing of steam. When I tried to Google 'importance of steaming' prior to the exam, to at least get some last-minute cramming done, I was presented with links to some very questionable advice articles about 'steaming cleanses' on Gwenyth Paltrow's Goop website - honestly don't look it up."

Mr. Hinkley described how things started poorly and descended from there. He said that sitting through that exam, staring down at the paper, with an expression as blank as his answer booklet, was one of the most bruising experiences of his life - both emotionally and physically.

"I took a battering in there. I was absolutely destroyed and, after extensive correspondence with my local ombudsman, I feel my only recourse is to take legal action against the paper, for criminal battery."

Fellow students described how, as soon as they were ordered to turn the paper, Mr. Hinkley let out a blood-curdling scream in anguish and continued his plaintive wailing through much of the 3-hour exam.


Ian Barnaby, a fellow student, described the screaming as "horrendous. The sounds coming out of that man's mouth were truly harrowing. Honestly, it was the kind of awful sound a large stag would make if you were to bludgeon it to death with a golf club, specifically a three wood, because it's massive, stupid antlers had broken the wing mirror off the Fiat Punto you'd been given as a gift for your 21st birthday while you were out driving in the country... I'm guessing."

Mr. Hinkley has already assembled the finest legal team his limited budget can afford - he'll watch The People v. O.J. Simpson several times on repeat and will represent himself.

When asked for comment about the charges brought against it, the exam stated "The student in question should've been more prepared, discuss."

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Rory McNab

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