We've all had those times where you've uttered the phrase, 'I feel like I was drinking last night', yet not a drop of alcohol has passed those lips. You feel like shite even though you can't blame it on the sauce. But what else can you blame this feeling of utter death on?
1. The Stoner Hangover
You have eaten everything in your kitchen and you've most likely had the best sleep of your life but when you wake up you feel like someone has sucked all the saliva out of your mouth. No amount of water is making this feeling go away. If that wasn't bad enough you have to deal with the harsh reality of life again without being obliviously happy. Ugh, responsibilities.
2. Sugar Hangover
A few hours ago everything was magical. You thought you could take on the world. Everything was bright and shiny but now you're left with a sad, sad feeling of loss. You have a headache that makes the slight breeze coming from the window feel like a knife going into your eye. Everything around you feels fuzzy and you feel like your teeth are going to fall off at any moment. How important is enamel anyway? Perhaps more sugar will help...
3. Take Away Overload
You thought you could eat a small child when you came home from work. You're putting in your order but you remember that the delivery could take up to 40 minutes so you order enough food for a small Ethiopian family. You spent all this money and by god it won't be going to waste so you eat every last bite. You immediately regret your decision. You try to take a nap but if you lie down you're afraid the movement will cause the food to come back up. You're not sure if you need immodium or motillium and from the sounds your stomach is making, you're worried that maybe you did in fact eat a small child and now they're trying to claw their way out.
4. Mid Day Nap
You thought it would be a really good idea to have a 20 minute power nap before going out but now you feel even worse then you did before. Everything around you is shit. You're cold, groggy, stiff and you feel like a rat crawled into your mouth while you were sleeping. The sun is too bright and you can't get your eyes to open fully. The actual idea of trying to look sexy makes you more disgusted then the time your mother changed from full fat to skimmed milk without telling you.
5. Over Logging
'Just one more video and then I'll go to sleep'. We've all been there. You're not even doing anything productive on the internet. You feel like if you don't watch every baby sloth video right there and then you will never find them again. You can't even take in what you're watching. All of a sudden you have a realisation that you don't know where your life is going. You're tired and everything around you is a blur when you eventually look way from that luminous, almost hypnotic, florescent screen. Just one more Buzzfeed quiz...
6. Too Much of the No Pants Dance
I understand. You've finally found someone who will have a pants party with you almost everyday. With all the pheromone's perspiring all over the room, you feel like the king of the castle. But like everything else, sex should be consumed in moderation. When you do have to leave the love haven for whatever reason, you find yourself a little worse for wear. You're joints are as stiff as a creaky door in a horror movie and with all the hormones still on a high you are completely unaware of what you're supposed to be doing. Go home, take a long shower and don't operate any heavy machinery.
Getting Netflix was a great idea. You had great aspirations of watching documentaries that you couldn't watch before but after three days and the entire boxset of Breaking Bad watched, you realise that whatever social life you had before is now completely gone. Similar to being on a three day bender, you have no concept of whether it's day or night, you smell, you have little to no dignity and there is a slight chance you may have pissed yourself.
8. Humpday Hell
You've been working hard all week. You started off with such fervor and you were ready to tackle any problem that came your way. So if you had such good intentions then why are the Gods punishing you and it only being FUCKING WEDNESDAY. You're tired, you hate your work colleagues, you still have to wait a day to be paid and Friday feels like it's ten months away. You are exhausted, you don't feel like doing anything except to go home and have a Netflix binge once again.
9. Entertaining that One Annoying Friend
You know that feeling, you've had to spend all day with them even though you would have preferred to chew your left nut off. Once they leave, this feeling wafts over you. Your ears are ringing like they would have if you had brought them to a heavy metal concert. You feel physically drained and to go with that ringing in your ear you have a throbbing in the front of your head. It's like you have your very own percussion band.
10. The All Nighter
Whether it was an assignment that was due at nine o'clock or you were just talking to someone all night long, you immediately regret it when you hear the harsh drone of your alarm clock. A few hours ago you were full of life, you thought you could go the rest of your life without sleep and now look at you. You can't blame drink, you were fully aware of what you were doing. You have to face the splintering day with little to no battery life.