Before I start, let me say that I know almost all of you are going to ignore this list, and stay out for as long as possible due to the dreaded FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). But on the off chance that the hangover is so bad that you vow not to stay out as long next time, here are some things that, if happen, are signs that it's definitely time to go home.
13) You're Sitting Down By Yourself Dozing Off.
I don't want to sound like an old man when I say this, but in night clubs the music is so loud that you have to shout over it to be heard, and you can feel the bass in your chest. This isn't a complaint, it's just to point out that if you can fall asleep in a place like that, it's definitely time to leave.
12) You've Spent More Than Ten Minutes In The Toilet By Yourself.
If you're using the toilet as a private seat to lock yourself away from everyone else for a while because you need to compose yourself, then you should just bite the bullet and get a taxi to sit on your own on your way home.
11) Vomit. From You Or Anyone Else.
Obviously I'm not saying that you should leave if anyone in the place throws up their dinner, but if any of it ends up on your clothes or in your hair, then you're just not going to enjoy the night after that. And obviously if you're the one throwing up then you're definitely not going to enjoy anything else.
10) You've Gone To The ATM More Than Once.
Really, going to the ATM in a night club isn't a good idea, but I accept that you might have arrived with no cash and need to pay it a visit. However, if you decide to go back to said machine and it's not to pay for the taxi ride home, then it should be.
9) You're Ex Is There And Not Going Away.
Seeing an ex, especially if things ended badly, is never good on a night out. But if you only see them once, and keep it to a brief encounter, it isn't too bad. But if you keep seeing them over and over again, and maybe even end up in an argument with, then you should really just take the high road and get out of there. And don't worry about losing face, because you shouldn't care what they think of you any more.
8) Standing Up Straight Has Become Impossible...
Apart from getting sick, this is probably the best sign that you're too drunk to enjoy yourself.
7) ...As Has The Ability To Form A Coherent Sentence.
And the next best sign. The two go hand in hand really.
6) You're Spending Way Too Much Time On Your Phone.
Scrolling aimlessly through your newsfeed or texting someone you shouldn't be, and being on your phone in a night club is never a good sign, unless you're sending all of your friends hourly snapchats. Actually wait no, that's a bad idea too.
5) More Than Half Of Your Friends Have Gone Home.
This of course means that some of your friends are still there, but you should always go with the majority in this situation, and FOMO should never even enter your mind. Don't worry, you simply won't miss anything.
4) You're Talking To Yourself.
And it's most likely as incoherent as if you were trying to talk to someone else.
3) The Craving For Greasy Food Becomes Unbearable.
Craving a burger after a night out is probably the closest I will ever come to being a hardcore drug addict. Don't fight the feeling, just embrace it.
2) You've Lost Something Important (Phone, Money, Keys etc.)
This might come across as a bit of a defeatist attitude because it means you're not going to look for whatever it is you've lost. But there's virtually no chance of finding whatever it is, so you should just go home before you lose anything else, and hope that when you ring the place the next day that someone guardian angel handed it in to the lost & found.
1) When You Don't Realise That Someone Is Coming On To You.
And this is even more of a telling sign if this someone is of the gender that you do not find particularly attractive.