We've had those days; you're determined that you are not going out, it's not even up for discussion. But then you get a text, and then another one, wondering if you're going out. And maybe it's sunny, or maybe there's nothing on t.v. Maybe you're bored and have the Fear Of Not Going Out. So it happens, eventually, with a little coaxing, a girl is going to head out, right? Here are the stages of your night.
18) I'm Not Going Out Tonight
You've no money, nothing to wear and no intention of going out. Anyway, no one else is going out so you can stay in, watch some shit t.v. and save money for a night you know will be good.
17) I HAVE NO MONEY
The texts start coming in. Your friends begin to prod you, to coax you to go out but you're standing firm. Seriously, you've like minus money.
16) Fine, Just A Quiet Few So
It's the sixth or seventh whining text from your friends that finally break your resolve, and you had been so determined before. You're going to have four drinks, max. No point in waking up with even less money and a hangover.
15) I'm Not Getting Drunk
You've just found out where you're predrinking and you know they are a pack of mad bastards but you're determined that you are not going to get drunk. Really, no drunkenness for you.
14) I've Nothing To Wear
You search through your mass of clothes, most of which you've worn a ton of times and they are in most of your FB pictures. Your life is a shambles right now, and you've started to get into the mood to go out.
13) What Way Will I Do My Makeup/Hair?
Your shower is done, now is the time to wonder about the aesthetics of your head. You start to do your makeup and realise that it's turning out how it does every weekend. Sure, don't fix what ain't broke.
12) Seriously, I've Nothing To Wear
You figure that if you go back to your wardrobe after your makeup is done, something may magically appear before your eyes. You grab your true and trusted clothes, it's even the outfit you are wearing in your profiler. Morto, but it has to be done.
11) What'll I Have For Pre-Drinks?
You're sufficiently pissed off with your hair/makeup/clothing choices and hope that a good drink choice will make up for everything else. Vodka? Wine? Sure, the Tesco Value stuff is grand. Does the job.
10) I Need A Lift
Predrinks are not close and you have a bag of ice, your drink, spare shoes, jacket, handbag... There is no way you're trekking this shite over to your friends' house. So you must rely on(/coax) your family/friend/etc. to bring you over. Taxis are expensive, okay?
9) Sure, If I Get Pissed Before I Go Out, I'll Spend Less Money
You're getting into the swing of things and you promised yourself that you would NOT drink the entire bottle of vodka by yourself but it's looking more and more tempting as you realise that the only other drinking money you have is your taxi fare for the end of the night.
8) I'm Not Getting Drunk
This is a mantra that runs through your head for the entirety of the night but you know it's a lost cause as you've already spilled a drink and bummed a cigarette off one of your mates - you don't even smoke. Things can only go downhill from here.
7) I'm Not Actually That Drunk
You're chatting up a friend of a friend, you've seen him before and weren't that interested but he looks deadly in that shirt and you're being charming as fuck. It's only when the image of him swims in your vision do you realise that you're probably not as sober as you had thought.
6) If I Break The Seal Now, I'll Regret It Later
You are dyinggggg to use the bathroom but you know that if that happens, you'll be on schedule to piss every twenty minutes from now until you go to sleep. Finally, after much debate, your bladder wins out and you head to the toilet, only to have your friends pile into the room after you.
One of the girls arrived late and she's looking pristine, but then she takes out a bottle of Jaeger and everyone cheers. You're saying no, that you don't want a drink, but then you're downing it, then another, without even realising. Once you swallow it, you know your night is already a distant memory.
4) Jesus, I'm Drunk
You stumbled out of your heels somewhere in the hall and you've walked into the garden barefoot. Sure why wouldn't you? It's just a bit wet, probably been raining. Then you see the lad you were talking to having a piss nearby. It hasn't been raining.
3) I Shouldn't Have Broken The Seal
There are six people in the bathroom and you are dying to go again. So you must wait in agony until it becomes free. Or, more likely, you can just barge in and plant your arse on the toilet seat because no one is getting between you and your relief.
2) Does Anyone Have Bronzer?
Your face is halfway down your neck and you know how to fix it, BRONZER! Lots of it. You want to look like you're glowing after a long sun holiday, but you end up looking like you've rolled your face in the back end of a cow.
1) TAXI'S HERE!
You throw your heels on, grab your bag, and notice that you've only left about an eighth of your vodka. You hope to god someone else took some or you're going to hate yourself tomorrow. But, for now, you're going to climb into the taxi and sing a chorus of Bohemian Rhapsody, before the taxi man finally gets you to your destination and is glad to see the last of you.
Until next weekend.