Calories are evil little fuckers because somehow the better a food tastes, the more calories are in it, and yet you're not supposed to like calories because instead of going to your boobs and your ass like they would if they were polite, they go straight to your lower belly and your thighs like the true fuckers they are. Luckily, though, in certain situations, evil calories do not exist. Those situations are as follows...
1. Immediately After A Breakup
Ben & Jerry's is required post-breakup food. And obviously that container is one serving.
2. ...Actually The First Three Months After A Breakup
You thought he was a piece of shit three months ago, but you still think he's a piece of shit now? Then I guess you can have another (few) tub(s) of Ben & Jerry's.
3. When You're Too Blackout To Remember What You Ate
If you don't remember eating it, it didn't happen. That, my friends, is a rule to live by.
4. When You've Got The Munchies
You're not eating food, the weed is.
5. If You Fold Your Pizza In Half
Once you fold pizza in half, it's basically a sandwich, and sandwiches are healthy, and healthy things don't have calories, THERE!
6. If You Get A Starter To Share
It doesn't matter if you actually wound up sharing...
7. On Vacay...That Includes Vacation From Your Living Room Couch
If you're on vacation or you went all the way to that bar down the street, you can totally eat whatever you want because it's not like you're there every day (lie to yourself if you are actually there every day).
8. If You're Wearing A Baggy Sweater
If no one can see your stomach expanding, it isn't.
9. If You're Wearing Sweatpants
If your pants aren't getting snugger, it must be because the case of beer you just drank was calorie-free.
10. If It's A Holiday
Holidays are specifically intended for people on diets to get breaks from their shitty fucking diets.
11. If It's Any Point In The Two Weeks After The Holiday And You Still Have Leftovers From That Holiday
If the food isn't gone, the holiday must not be over.
12. When You're Hungover And You Need To Sop Up The Excess Alcohol In Your Stomach
These calories are working to absorb the alcohol in your stomach, they're not staying put.
13. If It's Your Period Or The Week Before Your Period
And especially if your period is late. That shit is scary.
14. If You're Standing While You Eat It
You're obviously burning so many calories by straightening your legs that whatever food you're eating is merely replenishing your massive loss.
15. If You Had To Walk To Get To The Food
Again, you need to make up for all the energy that your poor body lost. It needs that double bacon cheeseburger.
16. When The Food Didn't Taste As Good As You Expected
If you were preparing for a really bomb dessert and it wasn't that good, you can totally order another one because the first one didn't count.
17. When Your Parents Are Paying The Bill
You're just trying to be economical here and eat the maximum quantity while you don't have to pay for it.
18. If Someone Brought Food Into Your Work
You can't be rude to your coworker!...even if she does bring in doughnuts every day...
19. If You Don't Want It To Count
And finally, if you don't want the calories to count, don't fucking count them! Good food is good for the soul.
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