Life

19 Times When Calories Absolutely Do Not Count

Calories are evil little fuckers because somehow the better a food tastes, the more calories are in it, and yet you're not supposed to like calories because instead of going to your boobs and your ass like they would if they were polite, they go straight to your lower belly and your thighs like the true fuckers they are. Luckily, though, in certain situations, evil calories do not exist. Those situations are as follows...

1. Immediately After A Breakup

Ben & Jerry's is required post-breakup food. And obviously that container is one serving.

 

2. ...Actually The First Three Months After A Breakup

You thought he was a piece of shit three months ago, but you still think he's a piece of shit now? Then I guess you can have another (few) tub(s) of Ben & Jerry's.

 

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3. When You're Too Blackout To Remember What You Ate

If you don't remember eating it, it didn't happen. That, my friends, is a rule to live by.

 4. When You've Got The Munchies

You're not eating food, the weed is.

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5. If You Fold Your Pizza In Half

Once you fold pizza in half, it's basically a sandwich, and sandwiches are healthy, and healthy things don't have calories, THERE!

6. If You Get A Starter To Share

It doesn't matter if you actually wound up sharing...

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 7. On Vacay...That Includes Vacation From Your Living Room Couch

If you're on vacation or you went all the way to that bar down the street, you can totally eat whatever you want because it's not like you're there every day (lie to yourself if you are actually there every day).

 

 

8. If You're Wearing A Baggy Sweater

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If no one can see your stomach expanding, it isn't.

 

9. If You're Wearing Sweatpants

If your pants aren't getting snugger, it must be because the case of beer you just drank was calorie-free.

 10. If It's A Holiday

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Holidays are specifically intended for people on diets to get breaks from their shitty fucking diets.

 

11. If It's Any Point In The Two Weeks After The Holiday And You Still Have Leftovers From That Holiday

If the food isn't gone, the holiday must not be over.

12. When You're Hungover And You Need To Sop Up The Excess Alcohol In Your Stomach

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These calories are working to absorb the alcohol in your stomach, they're not staying put.

 13. If It's Your Period Or The Week Before Your Period

And especially if your period is late. That shit is scary.

 

14. If You're Standing While You Eat It

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You're obviously burning so many calories by straightening your legs that whatever food you're eating is merely replenishing your massive loss.

 

15. If You Had To Walk To Get To The Food

Again, you need to make up for all the energy that your poor body lost. It needs that double bacon cheeseburger.

 16. When The Food Didn't Taste As Good As You Expected

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If you were preparing for a really bomb dessert and it wasn't that good, you can totally order another one because the first one didn't count.

17. When Your Parents Are Paying The Bill

You're just trying to be economical here and eat the maximum quantity while you don't have to pay for it.

 

18. If Someone Brought Food Into Your Work

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You can't be rude to your coworker!...even if she does bring in doughnuts every day...

 19. If You Don't Want It To Count

And finally, if you don't want the calories to count, don't fucking count them! Good food is good for the soul.

 

Video: Drunk Americans Try Drunk Food From Around The World

 

 

Credit: BuzzFeedVideo

Casey Schmauder
Article written by
Casey Schmauder is a third year student at the University of Pittsburgh studying nonfiction writing and psychology, currently enjoying a study abroad in Ireland writing for CollegeTimes and TeenTimes.

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