“I'm only going for one”
Ah the age old fib often told the night before waking up on a strangers couch. We all like to think we’ve come to the age where we are mature enough to enter the local, sip on a pint and engage in civilised conversation with our peers. WRONG. The road to the pub is laid with good intentions, and telling yourself “I’m only going for one” is like reassuring a child of in the existence of Santa Clause. It’s a lovely idea, cute even! But essentially the “one pint drinker” is a mythical creature…
“If you pay for my taxi, ill buy you a drink inside”
I like to think nobody intentionally means to be this person. Regularly enough in preparing for a night out we tend to skip the minor details of the evening, including having change for a taxi. Now, here we are outside the nightclub, all sat in the back of the car, fiddy notes in hand wondering who is going to take the plunge and cover the cost. Maybe your mates will stay true to their word or maybe they've forgotten the slurred promise they made post a nagin of Huzzar. Either way, shout out to the mates that cover your taxi costs. May they one day get the pints they were promised.
“I’m actually grand!”
Ah yeah, you’ve falling up the steps of the smoking area twice, spilled your drink on a young one and lit your cigarette from the wrong end. Not a bother on ya.
“I’ll bring my card – just in case there's an emergency”
Here's your emergency – THE SQUAD IS THIRSTY AF. Not once have I needed my card on a night out for an “emergency” but you can be damn sure that baby was put to good use. The real danger with this lie has come about with the invention of the tap transaction. First, you’re lured into a false sense of security. “Thank God, I actually didn’t spend that much last night.” THEN BAM! Three days later there is a Pearl Harbour attack on your account. Note to self: Next time actually leave the card at home…
“Okay.. So we’ll book the holiday tomorrow!”
..Said two acquaintances to each other whom have no intention of holidaying together. This isn’t specific to holidays. Plans made with that person your “kinda sorta friends with but not really” are never followed through because… well because they were built on a foundation of shot glasses. We’ve all been there. Your heart is in the right place and hey, maybe it would be nice to catch up on sober terms. Unfortunately, the moment has now passed and I am too awkward an individual to actually hit you up.
“OMG! Can we get hangover lunch together tomorrow??”
And they never spoke again.
“Ugh, whatever happens tonight DO NOT let me shift him/her”
*In David Attenborough voice* and as the nightclub fills up, the predator stalks its prey…