The 7 Types Of Assh*le Bouncers You Will Encounter In College

It's College, which only means one thing; to go out and make a show of yourself and ruin the hopes of that golden study week. You swear to the girls that you will be up and showered and in that 9am lecture. This is a lie. Its all lies. Two €4 bottles of Aldi's finest wine and you're feeling good, you're now ready to meet prince charming and dance like Shakira among the rest of your sweaty peers. Phone, keys, purse & amber leaf - the night is now your's.

But before you embark on yet another attempt to be that girl on the dancefloor who all the guys love, you need to actually get into the club, which means getting past the bouncers. A scary experience to say the least. Here's the 7 types of bouncers you will come across.

1. The Guy From The Same Area As You.

To you, this guy is your friend. He scans your ID and comments on your hometown. He asks do you know Paddy. Well of course I know Paddy, he's great and I love the way he takes his granny to mass. You naturally go too far, he gets sick of your drunken banter and sends you on your way. You stumble into the club only to discover your friends are definitely not by your side thanks to your conversation with the bouncer, but hey, you're in, result.

2. The Dickhead.


Dickheads. They're everywhere. Your ex-boyfriend is one, the lad you're seeing is one, hell you're even one, but one thing is certain, every club hires a dickhead bouncer. You're as full as the library at the end of the semester, struggling to maintain your balance in your new heels. He makes eye-contact. Rule number one little goats, do not look him in the eye. He is your enemy, he knows you're wasted. Your friends (who are equally as drunk) wander in but of course, you're stopped.You defend yourself when he claims you were staggering, but shouting ''what kind of an idiot puts down cobblestones instead of tarmac? We are in the 21st Century!'' does not suffice with this devil man. He tells you you're drunk - no shit Sherlock, I wouldn't be here if I was sober. Denied access, you proceed to tell every soul in the queue what an asshole he is, and spend the rest of the semester shitting yourself in case he recognizes you again.

3. The Woman.

This bitch will feel you up and check your bag. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure somewhere in the world what she is doing is illegal. ''Show me your bag there love'' - Eh, sorry, love, that shit is mine. She will examine your Boss Orange and shake it up and down, and then proceed to aggressively grabbing the bottom of your bag in a very unlady-like fashion. Then she shimmies her hands down your sides and lower back. You feel traumatized. You suddenly don't want a man tonight, all you want is to lie under your covers rocking yourself to sleep and consider calling your older sister to sort her out.

4. The Ladies Man.


You're hammered. Great. This guy knows it and is definitely letting me in. Fab! But wait, sober you knows that you shouldn't flirt back with this dude, because he is shit creepy and forgot to shave a bit on his cheek, but drunk you, well she is a different species, she fucking loves the sleazy bouncer and even asks him to join her for a dance later. He might touch your lower back, maybe lower than necessary, but hey, you came here for the shift, and if you don't get it, at least the bouncer wanted a piece of you.

5. The Old Man.


Lad, you're pushing retirement. There's more lines on your face than students in this queue. What. Are. You. Doing. Here. This man takes a good 40 seconds to examine your ID, asking your date of birth, your name, your student number. He is ridiculously slow and he irritates you. At this point, you wish for bouncer number 4, at least he would appreciate your tiny bodycon and speed things up nicely.


6. The 'One ID Does Not Suffice' Guy.


It's student night. This town is Tiny. The club has been posting for days on Facebook about how this is gonna be the 'biggest night of the YEAR'. You've got your student card, you're ready to go. But oh no, that is not enough. He wants age cards, licences, passports. You're so desperate to get in you start showing him bank cards, Dunnes loyalty cards, anything at all. After telling him you're a 2nd year Law student and spend all day in Starbucks feeling studious, he might offer a little leeway, but be prepared my friends, one ID is never enough.

7. The New Guy.

You're home for the weekend. Tom, the lad you fancied when you were in 17 is on the door. Tom's lookin' well. The wine is really making you feel sexy, and you make eye contact and wave like an idiot, making everyone in the line aware that you know this fella. Tom gives you a funny look. Upon getting to the door, Tom isn't really up for the shits and giggles, he knows you're drunk, you know you're drunk, but Toms at work, and he means business. The 'new guy' always looks a little too serious, maybe even angry. This poor fella is only trying to impress the big dogs, but we all know he wants to be in the club with us, grinding and slut-dropping. A word of advice girls, leave the new guy alone.

Shaneen Gorman

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