10 Things An Irish Family Might Hear This Christmas

Ah, Christmas time. The presents, the cheer, the repugnant yet warmly familiar smell of elderly relatives. It's all upon us! And with this in mind, lets look at some things you will be hearing over the Christmas period.

1. "It's Gona Snow This Christmas!"

Haven't you heard? Every Christmas somebody starts this rumour, regardless of what the weather forecast has to say. It never does, but maybe this year...

2. Attempted Sing-Alongs To Fairytale of New York

“Ya scumbag, ya bastard, ya ehhh?”- what are the lyrics again? Played at approximately 1:50am in every nightclub in Ireland, the song generates a drunken sing-along rivaling Shane MacGowan on a very bad day.


3. "Does anyone wana swap my fudge for their caramel?"

The Fudge bar is the unloved, neglected child of the selection box. With greater quality bars everywhere, it's usually left alone and offered out to other family members like an old sock. Poor little lamb!

4. "WHO went to the second layer of biscuits before finishing the first!"

The variety biscuit tins you get from one of your neighbours are short-lived, with family members suspecting someone took liberties with their share. But the culprit never owns up. You know who you are!!


5. "So who did you get for secret santa?"

The secret aspect of Secret Santa gradually goes out the window. Typically conversations go like this:

“So who did you get?”

“You're not supposed to tell!”

“Oh, so you got me then?”


6. "Don't give me brussel sprouts" "But you LOVE brussel sprouts!"

Of all the wonderful food you'll eat over Christmas, you will be told by Mammy to eat what looks like a shriveled testicle with gonorrhea as penance. Just try make it as quick and painless as possible.

7. "Do We Have To Go To Mass?"

This will be uttered by younger siblings, you know well this simply doesn't work. Just go down and get it over with.


8. "Might as well go for it, giving it all up in the New Year"

Cigarettes and alcohol are consumed heavily at this time, with the excuse that you'll be 'giving them up' or 'cutting down' for the New Year.  This just one last final hurrah!

9. "Don't PICK!"

The house smells delicious, you creep into the kitchen thinking the coast is clear and suddenly your Mum appears behind you causing you to fling the stuffing into the air

10. "Not so fast, the kitchen is a state"

You've got that lovely turkey sleepyness that you only get on Christmas Day, you're about to put your feet up by the fire and you hear these words that are like daggers to the ears.

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David Keenan
Article written by
D.I.T and N.U.I.M graduate, socially retarded but a nice lad nonetheless

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