The Good, The Bad & The Hungover: The 5 Stages of Drinking

Drinking; I could write a whole series of novels based on this very pastime, but I can't because I'm too busy getting drunk. However, if I were to write this hypothetical novel it would be a tale of love lost and lust (it would be quite epic), and how liquor can simultaneously be your best friend and your worse enemy. The staff of college times plan on getting royally fucked up tomorrow, so with that lovely thought in mind I just had to create a article detailing the 5 stages of drinking that we're all sure to experience at some point or another.

1) Excitement

You can feel it slowly bubbling up inside you. You're craving a bit of the ole drink, you keep recalling fond memories and want nothing more than to relive that feeling again. You find yourself mentally planning what drinks you're going to bring to prinks, and which one's you're going to get when you're actually out. It's kinda like this all consuming thing where it's all you can think about. You close your eyes and you see waterfalls of beer, lakes of vodka and other beautifully alcoholic shit like that. You can't even contain you're excitement and your friends are kinda like "hey shut the fuck up". But I don't even blame you, you NEED this

2) Disdain

As those first splashes of liquid hit your tongue you find yourself thinking "hmm why was I so excited to drink this piss?" You start reevaluating your whole existence. Why do people even drink? It tastes like shit if you're being perfectly honest with yourself and it's also overly expensive. You're still excited to go out but you find yourself wishing you had maybe just spent your money on extravagantly expensive Chinese food instead. And just as you're about to swear off the sauce and never drink again, the alcohol starts to hit you.

3) Euphoria

Wow this feels great, this feels really great. It's like God came down from the heavens and filled your body with copious amounts of awesomeness and it's only building up. It's like being a kid on Christmas day and having Santa come to your house and make you a pizza, it is that fucking kickass! Your dance moves are on point, everything you (or anyone else for that matter) says is hilarious and you've honestly become the smoothest motherfucker on the plant. You find yourself wondering how does one even become THIS slick; all you know is that this magical liquid is the best thing on the planet and are in desperate need of more of it. It reaches it's peak when you stumble upon another group equally as drunk as yours.

4) Reality

Reality slowly starts to rear it's ugly head as you begin to sober up. You find that both your hair and face are a mess, your once so epic dance moves just seem drunkenly sloppy at this point and you find that you're just constantly talking shit and weren't really funny at all. You're sweaty, you're tired and your stomach feels weird as you stumble out of the nightclub wishing you had just bought a fucking 4 in 1. But it's okay you tell yourself it was a good night. You kissed a solid 7, had a fun time with your mates. It was worth it right?

5) Regret

You wake up the next day and find yourself wondering if there's an elephant break dancing on your head. No that my friend is a hangover and it's the universes way of punishing you for being a mess last night. And boy is the universe pissed; you take painkillers and drink water but it only seems to amuse the hangover as it continues to bounce a basketball inside your skull. And just like that you find yourself remembering why you don't drink all the time...because hangovers fucking suck and you promise yourself that you'll remember this feeling next time you get the urge to buy a cheeky naggin. *5 hours later*
"Hey Dafe you coming out for the sesh next week?"
"Course I fucking am, we'll go halfsies on some vodka yeah"....idiot, you fucking idiot.

Dafe Orugbo
Article written by
Dafe once went streaking in the middle of the day for the promise of a 4in1. He is in possession of a spectacular ass, and considers himself quite the suave "Motha-Fucka". He studies English and Law in Maynooth University, but rarely attends classes because he is; and I quote - "Too busy mackin them bishes". His love for appletini's is only outweighed by his love for appletini's. Be warned if you ever encounter Dafe in the real world, he will probably turn you to the darkside *whispers* black people...

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