Okay, it has happened. You have just woken up and all you keep getting is three distinctive flashbacks. Fighting with your mate, getting sick on some random girls dress and scoring your ex's best friend. Well this is going to be an awkward morning. You look for your phone and it is nowhere to be seen. You eventually find it in the laundry basket. I don't even want to know how it got there. Okay, time to read your messages. So, 18 missed calls, 72 Whatsapp's and 3 voicemails, you let out a rowdy "Ah fuck!" that is loud enough to break the house down. As you go through the messages you are beginning to recall the rest of the night. It is not good. You not only scored your ex's best friend, you scored the ex too and according to Whatsapp you asked your ex girlfriend/boyfriend to give things another try. Oh God, oh god, oh Jesus Christ, what do I do now...
1) Breathe
Worse things could have happened. Just keep repeating that to yourself. You are vulnerable, sensitive and not in a good place right now. So just breathe and delete the messages, or, write back saying you don't remember anything. Being an a**hole might be the only way to act now.
2) Be Warm
You are experiencing the shakes and then sweating like a pig. You need to control this. Get your duvet and wrap it around you like a butterfly immersed in a cocoon and go to the couch. You can't let this shivering defeat you. Stay strong!
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3) Food
It's time. You go to that kitchen, you put on the kettle and you raid that fridge. The easier the food is to make the better. I recommend ice cream, crisps and bags of chocolate. If you are feeling up to it, make a giant sandwich. One that could but Subway's footlong to shame.
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4) Minerals
I'm not talking a cup. I'm not talking a pint glass. Get as much water as you can physically carry. No man should be dehydrated and on a day like today anything could set you off, so, have it close to you. You deserve this fountain of relief.
5) TV
Get out your laptop or put on Netflicks because today you will watch TV like you've never watched it before. Make sure to have every episode loaded before you begin. You don't want to have a meltdown when you see Apple's beach ball of death or the buffering wheel of evil. Remember you can do this. You are the master of this hangover.
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6) Call A Friend
When you have calmed down from the utter panic you experienced this morning, it is time to call a friend. I know this might be tough and dialling a number is just not what you want to do right now, but just think of the outcome. This is a 50/50 situation. You will either be relieved and joyous to find out last night wasn't that bad or find out you have done a whole lot worse. It is your call. You can do this.
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7) Laughter
No matter what was said during the phone call you just have to laugh it off. It happened but it was very obvious that you we're off your tree, so let this be known. Watch a comedy, maybe an episode of The US Office, and all will be okay.
8) Crying
Okay, just let it all out. You may be watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S or something on the Disney Channel and you may have no reason to cry but just let it out. Hangovers and The Fear cause deep, deep emotions. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.
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9) Get Up
It is time to get your sh*t together. Go and have a shower and get rid of this miserable, dark stage you are in. That presentation is due tomorrow so you better finish it. You have had your moments of fear and sadness, it has to end now.
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10) Concentration
Get your books out, forget about what you did last night and get your head in the bloody game. Put your phone on silent and get this assignment done. You know you can do this. No amount of fear will stop you from passing and not having to repeat in August.
11) Apologize To Your Parents
Your parents are in the door from a days work or running errands. There is only one thing you can do, apologize. Say sorry if you woke them up, got sick all over the bathroom or woke them up at 4am this morning. They will eventually forgive you and all will be forgotten, until the next time you get sh*t faced.
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12) Exercise
This may sound mad and the only movement you want to do is eating a giant Mc Donald's Big Mac for dinner but a walk would do you the world of good. If you are still going over and over last night in your head, go outside and take a walk around your estate. You will feel much better after.
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13) Eat Again
It is dinner time and you are going to get the biggest meal of your life, so, enjoy it. Eat, eat and eat some more. You know gluttony is the best side effect of a hangover.
14) Rest Up
Try and get a good nights sleep. You know everything will be better in the morning. Sleep cures all and it will even cure the fact that you scored your mates little brother or sister last night. Worse things could have happened.
