So, you're gearing up for your return to university: you're starting to buy the books from your book list, you've decided what your aesthetic this year will be and you've sent "long time, no speak"s to all of last year's frequent shifts. But bummer, it doesn't look like you'll have anywhere to hang your hat in the midst of this student housing crisis. If you're attending culchie university, you're probably thinking to yourself "pfft, no bother on me, baiii". Alas, according to recent statistics, the amount of places to rent available in Galway and Cork is dwindling this year too. Don't fret, we're here to solve all of your problems and reduce your crippling anxiety.
Here are our solutions:
1. Couch surf in the houses of distant relatives
Sure, what's the reason for even having a second-cousin Bridie if she won't let you sleep on her pull-out in Dunshauglin? Everybody whose ever been to university knows that there's nothing more comforting than waking up with Cheerios stuck to your forehead and a disgruntled husband hovering around you, grunting. Bite the bullet and send that Facebook message - if you're lucky, you might be able to pay her back in chores.
2. Sleep on the train
Why be a regular commuter, leaving the house at 5am to take your train from Dublin to Galway, when you could be better than a regular commuter? Get value out of your commute by skipping the bit where you live in your home at all. The trick to it is creating fake bathroom panelling and hiding behind that when the cleaners make sure everyone's off the train. Yeah, the bathroom smells but sleeping standing up is great training for your future graduate life.
3. Start working night-shifts
You lazy waster, you don't work enough as it is. That's probably the reason you can't afford to pay €879 euro a month for your student housing. Get up off your hole and score yourself a graveyard shift in a petrol station, supermarket or retailer. Working through the night means that you never have to sleep. You'll be a mega-efficient vampire person, with Alex Turner eyebags and a slight smell of diesel off you.
4. Become a promiscuous lothario
Why have your own bed when you can sleep in someone else's? You go out all the time anyway so you may as well gain from it. All it takes is making the eye at someone new every night and doing the classic routine of "do you have a light?" and then placing your hand on their lower back. If you've carried out these two steps correctly, hey presto, you've got yourself temporary accommodation. Repeat nightly until you are full of Catholic guilt.
5. Make a comfy yurt behind the local Tesco
Treat yourself to a glamorous, semester-round luxury camping experience. Set up some sticks, canvas and a sleeping bag beside the bins at your nearest supermarket and relax into the weird, greenish-brown stuff seeping into your pyjamas. It's basically a mud bath. Try to find one of those random taps on the wall for all your hygiene needs, and eat whatever you can scavenge. Channel your inner Bear Grylls.
6. Steal your da's van and live in it
Your dad barely uses his work van for anything anyway. What, as if he can't walk the four miles with his toolbox in hand to fix Mr. McKeown's boiler? Grab the keys and leg it, replace the registration plates with some you've bought on Amazon and get yourself a duvet. Park near the library and if anyone asks, say you're in to do repairs. On the taps. Or something.
7. Drop out of university
Hey, university is tough. Having nowhere to live would make it tougher. Why bother? Just drop out, leave it all behind you and start a family with that needy ex that your family hated. Yeah, you had hopes and dreams, but hopes and dreams are for people whose families can pay however much it takes for them to live in the big smoke. Top tip: swap your hopes and dreams for eternal bitterness towards the government and your university for not providing you with options!