1. The Whinge
Normally chill, but once the drink hits, the Whinge is moany and whiney and EVERYTHING deserves to be complained about. They stand to the side of the dance floor with a frown and tell everyone, “I’M SO BORED!” every ten seconds.
2. The Psycho
Sometimes, in the early stages, the Psycho can be confused with the Whinge, but another two shots of whiskey, and the Psycho arrives. Even the most placid and friendly sober person can become a demon with certain alcohol in them. Expect fights, wobblers, rages, and probably punches thrown. The next day sees many hasty apologies, all kinds of inexplicable injuries, and ruined relationships.
3. The Creepy Older Man
There’s always one in every parish—and chances are he’s got a certain level of infamy. Usually in his forties to sixties, this dude is out every Saturday night throwing shapes, absolutely trampolined, as Michael McIntyre might say. Usually friendless, he thinks it’s a good idea to cuddle up to every good looking young wan under the age of twenty-five. You, or at least one of your friends, is in a picture with him that’s been posted on Facebook. Every town’s got one!
4. The Cryer
Not to be mistaken with The Whinge, the Cryer may have actual problems—or drink just depresses them. Either way, they spend much of their time crying in the bathroom. During your college life, there’s a chance you’ll be the Cryer once—or a friend will panic over something small and BAWL. Friendships are changed after a run in with the Cryer.
Very occasionally, the Cryer can come in the Happy Tears variety but this is a rare phenomenon.
5. The Puker
A friend of mine is affectionately nicknamed the Projector for her vomiting abilities. Every group has one, though the Puker can further be categorised in terms of cleanliness. Some destroy bathrooms and leave the responsibility of cleaning up to some poor fecker, while others maintain an ounce of decorum and wipe up after themselves. Then, of course, there are those who puke all over themselves.
6. The DMCer
DMCs—Deep Meaningful Conversations—are the bread and butter of the average night out. We all have that one friend—maybe you are that one friend!—who only opens up when they’re drunk, and once they start they are a volcano of secrets and inner turmoil and baring their souls. The DMCer often resides in bathroom stalls, because no deep and meaningful conversation is complete without the dulcet tones of a nightclub toilet at half one in the morning.
7. The Texter
The Texter often takes it upon themselves to text EVERYONE a blow-by-blow of their night out. Expect phonecalls too. Sometimes, the Texter is also the Whinge, and so they’ll stand at the side of the dance floor and text about how bored they are or to give out to their beleaguered other half.
8. The One Who Thinks They Have Swag
You know the type. They sidle up, thinking they’re all smooth, in their nicest shirt and new chinos, smothered in some variety of Linx. They open their mouth and out pops the dreaded, “Will you shift me/my friend?” And that’s the entirety of their game.
Sometimes, they may be boob-grabbers, arse-smackers, or fans of the good old-fashioned art of lobbing the gob.
9. The One Who Actually Has Swag
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. This person is so effortlessly charming and friendly, even drunk, that you’re committed to marrying them after ten minutes of compliments, easy conversation, and witty lines. Sometimes, they may utilise the odd chat-up line, but only ironically or endearingly.
10. The One Who Thinks They’re Sober
“I’m so sober!”
“I drank sosdfodfoasdk…”
They are not, no matter how often they remonstrate otherwise. Ask them to walk in a straight line and watch them wobble.
11. The New Best Friend For Life
You’ll likely meet them in the bathroom, where you’ll discover they do a course that sounds interesting or they’re from your hometown or you have mutual friends. Either way, they’ll launch into garbled chit-chat and after five minutes, you’ll be ready to acquire matching friendship tattoos. They are your new BFFL—at least for the ten minutes it takes you to leave and go find another BFFL. Friendship is particularly fickle while you’re drunk.
12. The One Who Makes Bad Romantic Decisions
“Do NOT let me go home with my ex, okay?” Ten minutes later…and they’re halfway to his apartment no matter how often you try to stop then. You just stand and make this face:
13. The Life And Soul
Every group of friends has one. They are the proverbial life and soul of the party, getting everyone dancing, drinking, laughing, and having serious banter.
14. The Idiot
Often reckless, the Idiot is the type of person you hear about on the news: when shitfaced they are liable to think they can fly/swim/do amazing things and they end up in A&E. Or jail.
The Idiot may sometimes be a Harmless Idiot. These are likely to talk a lot of shite, fall around, and instigate all kinds of trouble. The Idiot often makes poor romantic decisions and usually ends up with dozens of unexplainable bruises. Either way, their stories are always really, really strange/brilliant.
15. The Sleeper
The Sleeper often goes home early or doesn’t leave for the nightclub after pre-drinks because they’re either so drunk they pass out, or alcohol makes them big fans of naps. They can often be found passed out on sofas, the floor, beanbags, wedged in bathrooms, “resting” on the toilet, or anywhere that normally isn’t the least bit comfortable.
And there you have it: a guide to the types of drunks you'll meet on a night out. Did I miss any?