Bouncers can be a pain or a virtue. If they love you, you will beam with delight as you approach the puffy jacket wearing muscle men. You will glide pass the red robe and walk into your destination. But, if they hate you, then you are on your own mate. Some decide they don't like the look of you for no reason at all. Or they simply remember you shouting your mouth off leaving the club last week after a fight with that randomer shooting you filthies at the bar. Either or, if they don't like you, you're not getting in. Watch closely how your friends suspiciously drop like flies. They walk passed security, pay in and turn around and ask you "do you want me to wait?". Yes they do not want to wait for you. They never wanted to wait for you. It's a cold, miserable fight out there, so take these hints to spot what type of bouncer you are approaching.
1) The Relative Bouncer
This bouncer knows you well. They always gives you a hug or a hefty handshake when they see you. They let you skip the queue. They let you in without a problem and your friends too. They treat you like family. You really love this guy.
2) The Female Denominator
This is a man, a real man, who will only let those females in. If a guy and girl are equally as drunk, the boy will be tossed to the side, while the girl strolls on in. I don't know what to tell you - he just loves the ladies.
3) The Clipboard Girl
Ah the clipboard girl, the only thing more annoying than stepping in dog s**t on your way into the club. If you don't play for Leinster, if you're not an Irish model or you aren't a very important person, don't even make eye contact. She doesn't like when those who aren't at her level are in her breathing space for more than 30 seconds. Well she's a - rhymes with itch - get me?
4) The Refusal Of Entry Bouncer
"You're not getting in alright?", is their well known phrase. They don't care if it's your birthday, or your graduation, or your last night in Dublin before you move to Oz for life, you are not getting in. There is no persuading this one. I promise you that.
5) The Free Spirit
There are no rules when it comes to this bouncer. He is easy going and wants everyone to have a good night. There will be no aggression here. No fights and no drama. He is a self proclaimed 'Mr. Nice Guy'.
6) The Liquid Detector
This bouncer has a skill and talent that no one else in this world has the right of knowing. At the drop of a hat he can tell when someone needs a coffee. And he is going make sure, as God as his witness, that this person goes, gets one and drinks it before entering the nightclub. The Liquid Detector puts up with s**t from no one.
7) The Mr. Offensive
This bouncer doesn't like if you're young, happy, sad, drunk or sober. He will slag you with any offensive quip that comes into his head. He will let you in eventually but he will roll his eyes consistently and put up a fight before he does. Mr. Offensive is not a happy chap...and he never will be.
8) The Over-Exaggerator
You have a simple trip on your way to the queue. Nothing serious, just a little stumble. "Well, well, well", lets out The Over-Exaggerator, "what do we have here?". You might as well have signed your death wish because he saw and he is not going to let you away with that one. Queue 20 mins of you explaining that you are not too drunk to enter and eventually being let in. You are basically sober now. That was a colossal waste of time.
9) The Female Boss
This female bouncer puts up with no crap. She sees a group of girls walking in the distance and she knows what's about to happen. Her flirting goggles go up and she sets on them like they are intruders. Girls and boys fear her and she demands respect. This bouncer is a softy underneath it all but has a front up like no other. She will eat you up and spit you back out. Beware of The Female Boss.