Getting drunk, slightly worrying that it's the highlight of the week for the majority of us, but sure it's grand, our bodies can recover when we reach our late twenties. Although, unless you want a reputation of being a twat, there are some things you should avoid when you're smashed on a night out.
The original idea for this article was the 'Dos and Don'ts of a Drunken Night Out' however, after a bit of a thinking, I realised that there isn't many 'Dos' you can recommend for a boozy night out. Of course I could pedal the cheesy line of 'Do: have a good night!' or the patronising 'Do: drink responsibly' or even the slightly creepy, UniLad-esqe 'Do: get locked and shift loads of dripping mots', but instead I'm just going to list some of the things you shouldn't do while drunk.
Numero uno for the ladies...
Don't – Dance on anything elevated. This applies mainly to girls and really drunk guys, stay away from chairs, tables, podiums etc. No one likes to see it. I have never seen someone dancing on a table and gone “Wow, they're such a good dancer.” What I have also noticed though. is that a girl's attractiveness and weight is inversely proportionate to their tendency to dance on things elevated. And stripper poles, just no.
This is what you look like... Are you ashamed? Cause you should be.
Don't – Puke outside the toilet. If you need to get sick, grand, just keep it in the toilet. I don't need to see your previous meal in all it's lumpy glory. A friend of mine once got sick in a club on the cigarette machine, and while it was admittedly hilarious, it stank the place up and got him thrown out. If you're nowhere near a toilet and still have to puke then just hold it in. If you can't handle your drink you must suffer the consequences and eat the dinner you had previously twice.
Don't – Wear a light coloured t-shirt. Just a word of warning, the sweat patches on your grey top aren't invisible, everyone can see them. This is a problem which becomes more prominent as you get drunker, intoxication leads to more vigorous dancing which leads to more sweating which leads to a need to rehydrate which leads to more drink... It's a vicious cycle. At least have the good grace to douse yourself in lynx before you go out.
This is you after the sixth shot and the third time the club plays "All The Single Ladies."
Don't – Bum cigarettes. If you're a social smoker BUY SOME SMOKES. Nightclub smoking gardens seem to be full of absolute messes staggering from person to person asking for a 'spare fag'. It's hardly a spare, the smoker was going to have it eventually, they don't buy a pack of twenty and go “oh I only wanted nineteen, I'll keep this one spare in case anyone wants it.”
Don't – Tell Facebook. I seriously doubt that anyone who isn't on a night out and instead finds themselves on Facebook appreciates you telling everyone that you're “SoOo DRHUNMK!!2!!” This also applies the next morning, status updates about how you are “hanging t'bits”, or that “all bouncers are bastards”, are just plain annoying. Tagging yourself "recoverin on de couch wit te girlies" is now also punishable by death.
When you're drunk many of these Don'ts may seem like good ideas. Just try have a bit of self control, don't be 'that guy'.
Follow Joe on twitter @J0e_90.