Your siblings are the one group of people that, no matter how many times you've beaten them, verbally abused them or indeed, told them things that should have them running for the hills, will still be there for you, 20 years down the road. With this knowledge in mind, it's safe to say that we can all now go about our day without worrying that we have somehow mentally scarred them for life. So for those of you who want to reminisce (even if it last occurred yesterday), or indeed, for those of you looking for some inspiration, here are some classic, yet horrible insults that are suitable for the ears of our siblings. Happy slandering!
1) "I wish you'd never been born"
All of us, at some point in our sibling drenched lives, have longed for the only child life. It's when you're shielding another bruise that you really do wish they'd never been born.
2) "I was here first"
The word weapon of choice for all of the eldest and middle children out there. If our words were to be believed, life before them was all sunshine and chocolate smelling roses. Therefore, that gives you a distinct advantage in claiming that you're better entitled to everything. First come, first served.
3) "At least I was wanted, you were obviously a mistake"
Excellent if directed towards the youngest member of the brood and oh so much more effective if there is a large age gap too. Considering there are nearly 10 years between me and my youngest sister, she has grown up with the belief that she was a huge mistake. Success.
4) "I'm the favourite, they hate you"
Used to illustrate the favoritism pecking order. If there are two kids in your family, then at least you've got a 50% chance of being one parent's favourite. Any more than that and it's survival of the fittest.
5) "You don't even look like the rest of us. That's because you're adopted"
Having a sibling that does not physically resemble any other members of your family is essentially being handed a lifetime of bullying material, all on one shiny platter. So you're all tall brunettes and your brother is blonde and short? Definitely adopted.
6) "No you cannot borrow my clothes, you'll just stretch them"
The easiest way to ruin any sister's day is to call her fat, in any context. The word fat being thrown about usually results in someone actually being thrown about. A step too far, some might say.
7) "What the fuck are you wearing? You look rank"
You can always depend on the honesty of your siblings when it comes to physical appearance. If you want complete, unbiased advice, just call upon your sister or brother. "How do I look?" "Disgusting," Simple, straight and to the point.
8) "Stop FUCKING EATING MY FOOD YOU FAT BITCH"
Spending your formative years with other hungry small people can only result in one thing. Food fights. Not even the fun type, that you always see in American High School canteens, that would result in your teachers running after you with a T-square, more the physical pulling and pushing you have over the dinner table for the last bit of chicken. One major fight catalyst was breaking into someone's secret food stash. Oh no you didn't...
9) "I don't want to share with you. I hate you"
Sharing is caring. Unless you're an only child, which we once again wish we actually were. Sharing Lego or Jenga blocks was one thing but under no fucking circumstances were we letting you play with our Barbies. We hate you remember?
10) "I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for"
Were it not for the wooden spoon, many a person out there would be far more scarred and/ or mentally traumatised, at the hands of their siblings. The ever present fear of the wooden spoon clattering you on the back of the legs was the only thing that prevented us from clattering our sibling's teeth from their heads.
11) "You want to know where babies come from? Ask Mam"
Any fellow first born unfortunates out there can attest to the fact that we all live in fear of the day that this question is asked by the little shits messing up our rooms. There's no avoiding the fact that sooner or later, it's going to happen and you're in the firing squad. Just do the decent, humane thing and pass the burden on to your parents.
12) "Give me back the remote now. Before I sit on you"
Watching television with your siblings, more often than not, equates to bickering, leading to a war of words, leading to a smack. To the face. Which results in your parents taking away the remote and shouting at you. Nobody wins in this battle.
13) "Because of you, I never want kids. You were a horrible little fucker."
Having to experience years of listening to your siblings scream and shit and then scream some more, was far better an advert for contraception than anything I've seen since. Those who say they really love kids have clearly never shared a house with one.
14) "Ever wonder why you got the shit name? Because nobody in this family likes you"
I often wonder where parents of 12 children find inspiration for naming all of their brood. My parents ran out of steam on the second child. It took them two weeks to name her and she got a fairly shit name in the end. It was, according to us, because nobody in our family liked her enough to try and think up a decent name.
15) "Get up and set the table you good for nothing, lazy dickhead."
There's always that one sibling who somehow, always manages to escape doing any housework whatsoever, crafty little shits. A chore fight a day keeps the parents away. From the bloodbath that is brewing loudly inside your room.
16) "Remember when I hit you that time and you cracked your head open? That was hilarious.
Most of us have sustained a sizable number of injuries down through the years. At least 67% of these can be traced back to our siblings. Especially those with brothers. Sticks and stones may break our bones but touch me again and I'll stab you.