Today the European Commission has demanded that Ireland collect the 13 billion euro in tax owed to them by Apple. Ireland has been reluctant to claim the money which is the result of a 'sweetheart' deal between them and the tech giant, but if we did decide we wanted the money here are a few ways we could spent it.
Put A Roof On The Country
Now I'm no construction expert but I've always been told that Ireland would be a great little country if only we could put a roof on it. Well now we can! Granted the roof would have to be see through and cleaning it would be very labour intensive. Also if we run out of money we could leave a big window over the midlands.
Buy Neymar & make him play for Bray Wanderers. Then harvest his semen to create an Irish football team capable of winning the World Cup multiple times over by the year 2035, making the Emerald Isle a powerhouse of international soccer while also transforming the league Of Ireland into the most skilled league in all of Europe.
Buy 325,000,000 Freddo Bars
Because you can never have enough Freddo bars.
Make Carlow A GAA Powerhouse
Create incentives for skilled GAA players to move to the Scallion Eaters County (yeah, I didn't know they were called that either). Basically make Carlow the Man City of GAA. Then give out about them buying their success.
Buy The Six Counties Back
Realistically the UK might want more than 13 Billion, but it's worth a shot. We'll give them Louth and Leitrim to sweeten the deal.
Buy 260 Bags Of Cans For Every Citizen In Ireland
Basically a years supply, people would start worshipping Apple. It'd be great PR for them.
Cut Cork Adrift
If the so-called people's republic of Cork value their independence so much then let's see how they get on on their tod. Using several massive crowbars stuck between Cork and it's surrounding neighbours we will pry the Rebels into the Irish sea. It would be an interesting experiment and we can always go visit them in the summer.
Spend It On Housing, Healthcare And Infrastructure
Okay so this idea is a bit looney, I'll admit. It's not like we are in desperate need to spend money on any of these things. Totally far-fetched, I'm really scraping the barrel here. Sorry.
Leave The Money Resting In Our Accounts
Unfortunately the most likely option as both Apple and the Irish government will appeal the decision to force Apple to pay back tax to state coffers.