The royal baby has been named. The new baby that's here, that's better than all of us because through its body courses the blood of royal ancestors - many of whom procreated despite being direct blood relatives, more power to 'em - has been given a name.
No longer will the increasingly few British people who still pay heed to the idea of respecting an outdated institution such as the monarchy have to grovel at the feet of a baby that doesn't even have the decency of having a proper noun ascribed to it.
Louis. Louis is the baby's name. In full, Louis Arthur Charles.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their son Louis Arthur Charles.
The baby will be known as His Royal Highness Prince Louis of Cambridge. pic.twitter.com/4DUwsLv5JQ
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 27, 2018
By my reckoning, and I'm perfectly willing to be proved wrong on the matter, that is not just one name, but that is three first names lil' Louis has collected for himself there. The barely sentient scamp is already collecting aristocratic monikers like they're going out of fashion. You throw a first name at this boy and, chances are, it's going to stick. It's good to see that young Louis has the same approach to collecting first names - principally, getting as many of them as possible - as his ancestors took to collecting the treasured artifacts of the nations they colonised.
Although a quick search of any royal will show you that it is customary to slather them in first names, to shirk the evidence staring us in the face, it seems a far more likely theory that young Prince Louis here has been given so many first names due to the tidy sum that his parents could've made if they'd placed a few bets in any of the bookmakers that were, ludicrously, taking bets on what the baby was going to be called. It can be reasonably deduced that Prince William, perhaps in disguise, must've at some stage snook down to a local bookies and emptied his wallet on 'Louis', 'Arthur' and 'Charles', proceeded to announce the babies name and is now presumably on his way to collect his earnings. Awful stuff.