Shark Disguised As Baby And Stolen From Aquarium In Buggy

Shark Disguised As Baby And Stolen From Aquarium In Buggy

Right, let's delve into this, there are no pleasantries needed up front; let's look at the facts.

A small shark, apparently named 'Miss Helen', has been stolen from an aquarium in San Antonio Texas. Miss Helen is a small grey horn shark, approximately two feet long. She, up until Saturday afternoon, had called a small 'petting tank' in the aquarium her home. Three thieves had circled the tank for more than an hour before grabbing Miss Helen, wrapping her in a pre-moistened towel and completing their escape with the assistance of the titularly-referencedbuggy.

Obviously, this is all sorts of insanity. What brings a trio of thieves together with the intention of stealing a shark? Is shark-theft really the most lucrative of all thefts? Where, and to whom, would a group of thieves fence a small grey horn shark named Miss Helen?

They also, having acquired the shark, attempted to flee in a bright orange pickup truck which served as their getaway vehicle. Now, this is the point where we must question some of the basic tenets of how foolproof their entire plan seemingly was. Firstly they were attempting to disguise the shark as a baby, while there were three people involved in the robbery, two men and a woman. Now, even if we are to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were making some quite positive comment on the idea of the modern family being post-nuclear, their choice of getaway vehicle being a vast, bright orange pick-up truck is surely a profoundly ill-advised move. If ever there was a vehicle that lent itself easily to ready description - and thus police-tracking and surveillance - it is a large, bright orange pick-up truck.


Naturally, the trio of thieves failed to even leave the aquarium before they had drawn attention to their crime. They were stopped by a member of staff who questioned why, instead of a healthy human baby, there lay nestled in there pram a distressed shark swaddled in a pre-moistened towel. However, they were unable to prevent the trio + shark's departure, though, hours later was returned to the aquarium by one of the thieves who was arrested and charged yesterday.

Nothing about this crime makes sense. The only rational explanation that we can conjecture is that it is some off-shoot of Sacha Baron Cohen's new show This Is America wherein he satirically skewers the lax security systems that pervade America's aquariums. To what end? We simply do not know.

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Rory McNab

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